The Mass Mullet

FBI authorities arrested half a dozen individuals, three with direct ties to UMass Boston, in raid. The suspects were charged with several accounts of animal smuggling and improper hygiene.

A dozen species of animal, from armadillos to pandas, were found in various locations throughout the Clark Athletic Center. An FBI spokesman said the investigation had been on going for some time, but that it was only a couple of recent developments that gave agents the green light to conduct a raid.

Several peculiar incidents had taken place in the recent past. Two weeks ago, a UMB facilities worker of the Athletic Center discovered several crates containing bamboo in the equipment room. The worker went to notify his supervisor, but when the two returned, the crates had mysteriously disappeared. Also, Public Safety has received numerous phone calls from students, staff, and others regarding strange animal noises coming from the equipment room. Public Safety dismissed the calls as “pranks”.

Interestingly enough, not a single member of the Athletic Department was involved in the ring. It seems that the smuggling activities, which had been ongoing since the late 1980s, went on all for a long time without raising many suspicions.

“Well what do you know?” said a laughing Rodney Hughes, assistant athletic director, “Never in all my life would I have believed it. If nothing else, you gotta give them credit for being secretive.”

Several UMB coaches petitioned that some of the animals be allowed to join their teams, but were denied. Several animal groups and organization were called to pick up the animals. However, the FBI felt that the groups took too long, so the animals were released in the wild of neighboring Savin Hill.