It’s been brought to our attention here at The Mass Media that the revival of the Bobby column has been a huge hit. I share this joy with the rest of you, trust me. However, I’m starting to believe some of you are too excited.

I won’t go into detail, but all I have to say is that there’s a real boy behind the Bob. I have a wife and kids to support but the depravity that enters that Ask Bobby inbox has been tearing my life apart.

Woe is me, slaving away behind this screen and feeling perturbed by the things I must read in there. I beg of you to have mercy on me. My wife is beginning to think I am cheating on her, and who could blame her? How would your wives react if you were receiving the messages that I am, clearly meant for Bobby?

Also, Bobby is a freak anyway. He doesn’t actually even work here. I’ve only ever met the guy in person once. We sat down for a dinner before I revived this column to discuss details and that guy behaves like a maniac.

With a disgusting lack of table manners, he ate both his food and my own, plates included. He then referred to our waitress as “toots” and refused to tip, saying that “the Europeans don’t do it and they know everything.” Last I checked, they created the two worst things I can think of — colonialism and James Corden.

Is this the kind of man you want to be going out with? Have some more self respect. And if you aren’t going to do that, then go be vulgar somewhere else.

As a result of this nonsense, Bobby is on strike this week in solidarity with me. If you can’t learn to behave, you’re gonna have to read my original thoughts, and nobody wants to do that.