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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

From Dr. Michael Amore Enterprises: Virtual love!

Howdy hey everybody! My name is Dr. Michael Amore, proud founder and CEO of Dr. Michael Amore Enterprises, the only solution to all your virtual romantic needs. My lawyer’s currently informing me that I’m legally obligated to tell you that I changed my first name to “Dr.” and I’m not in possession of any form of doctoral degree. That’s just apples and oranges, though, because when the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, you have to pay me five cents.
People always come up to me on the street and ask me, “Dr. Michael Amore, what’s the deal with virtual love?” I’ll tell you what the deal is! When I was a young and budding entrepreneur, I got wrapped up in some shady stuff that I’m legally not allowed to discuss in detail. Point of the story is, I spent five years of my life in a white-collar prison for allegations of tax fraud that I in no way actually did! I spent my nights alone, reminiscing about all the failed relationships of my past, wishing I could do it all again. Then a lightbulb went off in my head!
Virtual love? They called me crazy! They said only weirdos would use it! But the naysayers didn’t know its potential. College students, too awkward and shy to forge relationships; middle-aged people, clinging desperately to the glory days of their past; old people, grieving over the hole in their heart left in the wake of a spouse’s demise. That’s right folks, with Dr. Michael Amore’s patented Virtual Romance Technology—VRT for short—you can even stop the ones you love from dying!
What do you get when you cross virtual reality, neural sensor implants and mind-altering drugs? You get the chance to experience the romance of your dreams! The single life isn’t for everyone and with Valentine’s Day creeping up from behind to slice our throats, there’s never been a better time to give Dr. Michael Amore Enterprises a call. I mean, what else are you going to be doing? Probably sitting all alone like the sad, sappy, sack-of-sadness that you are, doing who knows what in the confines of your bedroom.
Sure, a one-night stand might quench your loneliness, but you deserve better than that! You deserve to be with someone who loves you—real flesh and blood! Well, Dr. Michael Amore’s here with the next best thing: virtual flesh and blood! With Virtual Romance Technology, you can experience any kind of romantic fantasy you want!
How’d you like to “Lady and the Tramp” some spaghetti with your loving partner of six months? How’d you like to live the life of a recently divorced, single parent, struggling to rekindle the flame of love deep within your shriveled heart? How’d you like to sail through the skies in a hot air balloon, watching the sunset with 2021’s sexiest man alive, Paul Rudd? The world’s your oyster! Let’s see what loyal customer, Chad Oakson, has to say:
“I had a family. I had a wife; her name was Martha. We had two kids, Timmy, and Tommy. We built a little house in the backyard for the squirrels to play in. Martha used to paint them before she got sick. She was the love of my life. So many years gone. Where’s my family?!”
Sometimes our customers experience a bit of a blurring of the lines between reality and fantasy, or what our science nerds call “re-entry shock.” But hey, what even is reality anyways? I’ll tell you what reality is: It’s whatever you want it to be with Dr. Michael Amore’s Virtual Romance Technology!
Don’t hesitate, the power of love could be in the palm of your hand, all you have to do is call 1-800-AMORE! If our operators are busy, please stay on the line. If nobody answers, keep calling back until they do. If someone weird answers, tell them that Dr. Michael Amore told you to call. You don’t want to miss out on this limited-time, Valentine’s special: an extra year of hallucinogenic fluid free of charge! That’s a deal so good I should call the cops because you’re pretty much robbing me! The promo code is AMORE as in Dr. Michael Amore. And remember this my friends: All you need is love!
DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT IF: You are pregnant; have a tendency to bleed; eat breakfast; believe the moon landing was a hoax; have a history of unexplained shouting; bathe; own more than two pairs of shoes; are good at playing the flute; are “just okay” at playing the flute; or have, at any time in your life, swallowed gum.
Dr. Michael Amore Enterprises is not responsible for any injuries—physical or emotional—as a result of using this product. Use at your own risk.

About the Contributor
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor