The silhouette of Boston with a “Beantown” sign similar to the Hollywood sign. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff.
For far too long the movie and television industry has been dominated by one prevailing force—yes, I’m talking about you, Hollywood! It’s time for Boston to rise up and claim its rightful place in the pantheon of entertainment gods. We will bring Olympus to its knees and from its crumbled remains, we will erect a new shining capital of cinema: Beanwood! However, every revolution needs a push, which is why I’ve come prepared with enough movie and show ideas to fill a private luxury jet with Oscar and Emmy nominations.
Bees Neez: Love so Teeny: What better way to celebrate Boston than to memorialize its most notable musical act in the form of a—slightly exaggerated—biopic film. You’ll be taken right back to the roots of Dennis Dagger and Ratsy as they began their revolutionary musical journey. Spanning their early years, the breakout success of “Peeny Weeny,” the groundbreaking psychedelic achievement of “Captain Cornelius Jack” and their hard rock finale that led to their burnout.
Four Funerals: You know that show where four women rank each other’s weddings and the winner gets a vacation to the Bahamas or something stupid like that? Yeah, this show is literally that, but for funerals. Four terminally-ill people rank each other’s funerals and the winner is awarded a golden tombstone in the Bahamas. The one little hiccup here is that they’re going to have to attend their funerals while still alive but hey, who wouldn’t jump at the chance to do that? I’d die to be able to attend my own funeral!
Joe and Kyle Meet Dracula: In the 1960s, Dracula was the talk of the town; however, after being killed and reanimated in the present day, he has a pretty difficult time adjusting. To make matters worse, his coffin and the native soil he needs to stay alive have been stolen by two fresh-out-of-college losers, Joe and Kyle. Dracula must learn to navigate the twenty-first century while getting in touch with his sensitive side in this wacky, odd-ball comedy. The first in the Joe and Kyle Monsterverse trilogy which also contains, “The Bride of Makkastein,” and “Night of the Joewolf.”
Massholes: The quintessential Boston-based sitcom. The show follows the misadventures of six twenty-something-year-old friends unsure of what to do with their lives. The Massholes consist of Chester, a pathetic simp desperate to hold on to the nostalgia of his past; Sarah, a hot-headed egomaniac in the midst of an identity crisis; Lilly, a carefree stoner who abhors structure and order; Sam, an introverted computer geek with a chronic lack of confidence; Trish, an intellectual book-worm with an unwavering moral code; and Alvy, a naturally rebellious lunatic and conspiracy theorist who enjoys running around in a speedo and singing about skunks.
Brett and Gus Eat: The show follows a predictable format: Brett and Gus drive to a restaurant, order food, talk about their lives and leave. They usually frequent the same mediocre locations and order the same food in each episode. Sometimes there will be a twist such as one of them needing to get up to use the bathroom or their order being wrong and them complaining about it. In the season one finale, Gus chokes on a bit of steak, ending in an epic cliffhanger.
A Horse of Course: When three friends stumble upon a plot surrounding stolen magazines, the trio goes undercover as a six-legged horse to get to the bottom of it. Along their adventure, they battle skilled assassins, crooked cops, the American prison system and the deep depression that one could only know from being trapped in a horse costume for weeks on end. Starring George Clooney, Matt Damon and Tom Hanks as “The Horse,” Meryl Streep as “The Detective,” and the one and only Ian McDiarmid as “Emperor Palpatine.”
Pillow Talk: A traditional late-night talk show with a charismatic host and a whole plethora of celebrity guests—it’s also a pajama party. In each episode, the host will go to sleep and have a dream about a musical guest performance. When he wakes up, the musical guests will be there for the interview decked out in their bedtime attire. Sometimes there’ll be pillow fights giving the host and guest the chance to duke it out. These are heavy-duty pillows so if you’re on the show, be prepared to leave with a few bumps and bruises. “Birthday suits” are not recommended but will not be turned away.
While art is subjective, awards are not, which I’m sure many of these movies and shows are a shoo-in for if they ever see the light of day. Of course, we’ll need to have our own Beanwood awards—probably called Beanies—because we want absolutely nothing to do with the big Hollywood studio elite.
I’m only kidding! Please, if any big Hollywood studio elite people see this, hit me up!