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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

John F. Kennedy Library to be replaced by The Boston Bean Museum

Bianca Oppedisano
Beanus crucified on the cross. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.

It was the crucifixion of Beanus that would tie the loose ends of history together. All things past and future, bound by this one legendary moment. As the cross was raised, the pained screams of the savior harkened back to a more primal age. The gifting of the flame by Probeantheus, the Hanging Gardens of Beanylon, the golden pyramids of Beangypt, now lost in the cluttered junk drawer of time, forgotten by all but the eldest Beans. Had the evil Beanlzebub won? Had all that Beankind achieved over millennia of progression been erased? 

After the nails had been driven in, Beanus gazed up at the heavens, pleading with the sky: “Oh, Father! Why have you condemned me?” The Great Bean remained silent, for he knew that with the death of his only son, a new age would be ushered in. The Sack of Bean, the Beandustrial Revolution, the Red Hot Chili Beans playing “Fire” by Jimi Beandrix at Beanstock ‘99. It was a necessary sacrifice for the continuing of Bean history, a history that you will soon be able to learn about firsthand. 

It has recently been announced that the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum will soon be no more. After struggling to pay their rent for months, the building was put up for auction and swiftly purchased by Beanlievers Anonymous, an underground organization—more of a cult—that follows the alternative, bean-based history proposed by Edward Cannellini in the 1840s. Moving far beyond the rudimentary premise of Beanosaurs, the plan is to construct the world’s first museum that covers the entire timeline of Bean history from Beanesis to Beanageddon: The Boston Bean Museum. 

This most likely comes as a surprise to many UMass Boston students and faculty who have grown accustomed to the looming, seasonal presence of JFK’s sailboat, which is a popular tourist attraction for those strolling the Harborwalk with nothing better to do. Regardless, within the coming months, you’ll be hearing a lot less about JFK and a lot more about BFK—and I mean Bean F. Kennedy, not the Blackrock Municipal Income Trust for all you wannabe “Wolf of Wall Street” types out there.

The interesting thing about Bean history is that it acts as a reflection of our own history. Remember that time Hannibal brought 37 African Elephants across the Alps to attack Rome? Well, Beannibal once did the same. Have you recently listened to “You Never Give Me Your Money” by The Beatles? If so, you might be interested in hearing “You Never Give Me Your Beans” by the Beantles. Human history seems to be an exact repeat of Bean history, down to the most minute detail. This is something that Beatrice Garbanzo, current president of Beanlievers Anonymous, attributes to the “mirrored bean phenomenon.”  

“Essentially, the mirrored bean phenomenon states that whatever event is taking place in our current Human Time, HT, has taken place long ago during Bean Time, BT, and the events played out precisely the same way,” claimed Garbanzo. “For example, I am Beatrice, and I am currently in the year 2023, HT. The mirrored bean phenomenon declares that if my current existence is true, then a parallel existence of my Bean counterpart must have been true as well. Beantrice was most likely having this same conversation with your Bean counterpart in the year 2023, BT.”

When asked about what forgotten society the ancient Beans could have been pondering over, Garbanzo grew quiet and fiddled with her thumbs. Maybe they were mushroom folk or sentient hair follicles, but that’s unimportant. What we should be concerned about is the fact that if the Beanlievers are correct, we all once had Bean variants. This is a revelation that may be confusing and even hard to swallow for some, but Garbanzo insists that it’s all quite simple: 

“What I usually tell people to help them understand: it’s like that running joke amongst writers. You know, the Simpsons did it? Well, apply that concept to your entire existence and replace the Simpsons with Beans, and there you have it, the mirrored bean phenomenon.” 

Mung Adzuki, the man tasked by Garbanzo with curating the museum, has said that he seeks to provide visitors with an interactive experience across multiple exhibits that focus on various eras of Bean history and culture. These exhibits, of course, only contain replicas of perceived Bean relics as any actual remnant of the ancient Beans would have been washed away by the tides of time. 

“One relic in our collection that I am especially excited about would have to be the life-size replica of the Trojan Bean,” said Adzuki passionately, while pointing to the giant wooden bean on wheels that he adored. “A true testament to Ancient Beance, our craftsmen worked tirelessly to ensure that every detail is as accurate as possible.”

Along with exhibits dedicated to the ancient Beanpires of the past, the museum also features a wide variety of Bean art, taking visitors through the many distinct cultures of the Beans. From crude cave drawings to the pop-culture simplicity of Andy Beanhol, no expense was spared in bringing these works to life. Naturally, the most acclaimed piece in the collection is the Mona Beansa. Painted by the Beantalian artist and inventor, Beanonardo Da Beanci, during the Beanaissance, it’s said that different people who view the painting interpret varying expressions on the subject’s face.

Out with the old, and in with the new, The Boston Bean Museum offers the chance to experience the past in a whole new way by stripping away the blood, guts and general human anatomy of our traditional history and supplementing it with beans. Whether you believe in Bean history or not, for everything you learn about the ancient Beans, the same facts apply to the ancient humans. History has never been this accessible, especially for children who are easily bored by human flesh. This is a method of education proven effective by the acclaimed, “Veggie Tales,” which by the way, Garbanzo considers to be, “the most accurate depiction of Bean history we have to date.”

Most importantly, by showing your UMass Boston ID, you’ll have free access to the museum at all hours of the day—even at night when there’s no one there. So while you’re perusing the behind-the-beans photos from Steven Beanberg’s, “Close Encounters of the Bean Kind,” keep an eye out because if you’re lucky, you might see Bean Stiller running from a Beanosaurus Rex. And if you’re really lucky, you might just bump into Robean Williams dressed as Teddy Beansevelt. 

Beans, beans, the magical fruit; the more you eat, the more you learn. So make sure to check out The Boston Bean Museum when it opens. It’s what Beanus would have wanted, and seeing as he died brutally on the cross to absolve the Beans of sin, it’s probably the least you could do.

About the Contributors
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor
Bianca Oppedisano, Illustrator