Written by Joe DiPersio (He/Him) and illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff

Q: This isn’t “Advice with the Arts Editor,” is it?

A: I don’t know what form of ignorance or illiteracy brought you here, but you probably shouldn’t be in college if you can’t put the simple effort into submitting your questions to the right place. Geez, you better not be that creep asking what to do about the “tall, bright and handsome” man you’re soooo infatuated with, ’cause if you are, I’ll keep this pure and simple. Not interested. It may come as a shocker, but ol’ Bobby Beacon here don’t hula with human beings no more. I’m actually not attracted to your kind of creature at all—I just find the teeth and nostrils really unsettling—and I’ve only been with a human woman once, but that was… oh, never mind. Of course, there aren’t really a ton of Beacon women around either so I don’t have a lot of options. Anyway, you can suck a toad cause I’m not interested in any way, shape or form… am I?