Written by Joe DiPersio (He/Him) and illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff

Q: What is your ideal first date?

A: I don’t know if you’d remember him, but do you know that a—hole James? I’m talking about that kid with the giant peach, the one with all the bugs in it. I think that would be a pretty cool first date. Not with the bugs or anything, but just me, my date and a giant flying peach. I mean, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on a real date. What am I saying? Why does my mind always go for these weird things? I’m so weird. That’s probably why I can’t get a date. Maybe if I just shut my mouth every now and then and acted like a normal person I’d find someone who could love me, or at least tolerate me for one night. That’s all I really want. Just one person to have a real conversation with. Just one night to feel like a normal person.