Q: How was your Thanksgiving?
A: Seeing how I either hate or have killed most of my family—evil dad, a—hole brother, you know the drill—I didn’t really have a lot of options for how to spend my Thanksgiving. I thought about maybe having a little Friendsgiving, but as it turns out, I don’t have many of those either. What I actually ended up doing was aimlessly wandering around suburban neighborhoods hoping some random family would take pity and invite me in for apple pie or whatever. Apparently, that’s called loitering and the cops don’t like that so much, so I ate my turkey dinner in a guarded cell downtown with a guy named “Bad Harry.” It wasn’t long before we got into a heated political debate about the Australian government’s response to the emu problem in the 1930s. For the first time in a long time, I got to experience that warm, uncomfortable, tension-filled feeling of having a family again. And for that, I’m truly thankful.