So you’ve finally made it to the end of the long and winding road of college education. It was a grueling journey full of famine, disease, a few insurmountable rivers and a nasty broken leg that had to be amputated with a pocket knife due to infection. For those of you who were lucky, your time at UMass Boston was the Oregon Trail. For the unlucky ones, however, it was a long, cold winter stranded in the Sierra Nevada mountains with nothing to eat but an uncooked pile of slop that may or may not have been Sam’s liver.
While it might seem like your road is coming to an end, in actuality, it’s more of a crossroads. To be precise, it’s a giant, bustling intersection with infinite paths, no street signs and a traffic cop standing in the middle sobbing into the pavement and begging you to pick a direction and leave him alone. Post-graduation life can be intimidating, but if you follow these five simple steps, you’ll be sure to find a lifetime of happiness.
Step 1: Give away all worldly possessions
Do you ever look around your room and wonder, “Do I really need that big, plastic statue of a red M&M?” or “Do I really need 13 paintings of Carl Wheezer done up in the art style of 12 different classic artists?” Essentially, any ownership is frowned upon as the fewer things you have, the fewer burdens you carry.
Give it all away! Knick-knacks, furniture, sentimental memorabilia from your life, important documents proving your birth and citizenship and even your clothes! Start with one room and slowly work your way through your entire home, and when you’re done with that, get rid of your home, too!
Step 2: Don’t work for the man
The great thing about not having any stuff or a place to live is that you don’t need to worry about making money to buy more stuff or paying rent to have a place to keep all your stuff. Because of this, you don’t need to worry about getting a job, which I’m sure is relieving for those of you coming out of school with a degree in something stupid like Computer Science.
Really, to ensure happiness, any kind of work in a corporate or professional environment is strongly discouraged, and luckily, since you’re now basically a nudist, getting hired in a professional environment probably isn’t something you need to contend with anyway.
Step 3: Pursue the things that truly make you happy
You have three options: Lying on the rough cement after a freshly fallen rain, eating dirt, and doing so little to the point where passersby are unsure whether you’re alive or dead. I feel further elaboration would be insulting. Just avoid birds and fishermen at all costs.
Step 4: Liquify bones and remove organs to make room for five new “hearts”
You simplified your existence; you might as well simplify your body. To be more specific, the goal is to not actually have a heart but more of an open circulatory system. Your new “hearts” will be closer to big arteries which makes them harder to break. And if someone does manage to step on you or sever a chunk off due to your enhanced, boneless flexibility, you’ve got four more faux-hearts ready and pumpin’!
You’ll be like five-ninths of a cat, experiencing a level of bodily efficiency you’ve only ever dreamed of. For assistance with bone liquification and organ removal, call 1-800-GOT-JUNK. All you have to do is point!
Step 5: Get squirmin’!
Congratulations! You are now a worm.
