Q: Do you have a rival mascot?
A: Oh, look what we have here? Someone who actually still considers ME the mascot over that four-legged, crotch-sniffing hound. Anyway, I’m flattered, but as far as true rivals, there WAS one. Years ago. Her name was Cindy Slug, and she was the mascot for this country bumpkin school up in Ass-Crack, Maine. They had a pretty notable baseball team at the time. We had a thing for a while, Cindy and I, a relationship motivated by our careers. The sex was good, but eventually, things got competitive. She’d try to kill me. I’d try to kill her. It was one of those. Eventually, I realized that as long as the Ass-Crack Sluggers were playing ball, Cindy Slug would be coming after these balls, so I got the whole team addicted to speed which resulted in the baseball program being shut down and Cindy losing her job. I don’t take kindly to competition. Period.