A couple holds their hands together. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff.
It has come to The Mass Media’s attention that UMass Boston Chancellor Marcelo Suárez-Orozco has banned all public displays of affection on Feb. 14, the celebrated and despised day of love. The ban will be in effect on all campus premises and within a five mile radius of our Managing Editor’s office on the third floor of Campus Center. Never fear; there’s no need to read up on this rule or search for it at all. I’ve gone through the effort of studying the fine print so that all UMass Boston students—especially our happy couples—know what they are in for.
On Feb. 14 kissing in public will be punishable by death or public shaming. The shaming consists of pretending to be a preacher in the courtyard, so the administration expects most to opt for death. What kind of death? Well, that depends on the level of rule-breakage. Was there tongue? How many people were forced to witness? Did these onlookers shy away or were they forced to dramatically flinch and make gagging sounds? The criminals will face several fitting ends: walking a plank into the harbor, eating expired food from the dining hall or getting beheaded with a dull ax.
The rule encompasses all forms of kissing: making out, smooching, pecking—especially multiple times in a row—nose kissing, cheek kissing, a– kissing and even kissing on the hands or feet. I don’t care—I mean Chancellor Marcelo Suárez-Orozco does not care if you are French. Air kisses are not allowed.
Hugging on Feb. 14 is punishable by public stoning. I think he went a little harsh with this one, but it may be appealed by dusting chairs in Healey Library or coming up with any solid plan to stop the liberal arts department from teaching students to hate capitalism. Doing both wins you a lollipop and a $10 gift card to Amazon when you buy $30 or more.
Watch out—holding hands on Valentine’s Day could land you 45 days in a makeshift slammer located in the currently dilapidated Campus Center Parking Garage. The slammer will house prisoners separately, so if you were hoping to get locked up with your boo, please instead rob a bank or shoplift $200 from Target over an extended period of time like normal people. You may hold hands if you are friends, but you are to refrain from looking too happy so as not to confuse people.
Additionally, slapping someone’s butt, running your fingers through someone’s hair and putting your hand in someone’s back pocket are all eligible offenses for sudden pepper spraying. There will be single and lonely staff members hiding around corners, behind trash cans, under tables and in the rafters who are responsible for catching these rule-breakers and delivering the spray of justice they deserve. Anyone seen flirting will be defenestrated immediately.
Please, students, beware and heed my warnings, as the original SEAL Team Six and a K-9 equipped SWAT team will be perusing campus to help keep the PDA ban in place. Valentine’s Day is meant for joy, and I’d hate to see attractive couples bit by German Shepherds because they were making everybody else jealous. No dog should have to go through that.
For those who cannot keep their hands or mouths to themselves, even for 10 goddamn minutes between classes, a PDA “safe zone” will be set up in the game room of Campus Center. The zone is sectioned off with curtains and permits one couple at a time. Only hand-holding is allowed and the rates are running at $50 per minute. If you are single and lonely, Chancellor Marcelo is offering a personal hand-hold with him in the safe zone for only 20 Beacon Bucks and your commitment to learning Latin and devoting the rest of your life to Christianity.
In closing, the administration’s decision is quite the bummer. It will not bring me peace in the slightest to not see couples looking a bit too satisfied with life this year. I mourn with you UMass Boston lovers. I weep with you—but all confiscated heart-shaped candy can be dropped off at my office, room 3412. Dairy-free.