A large part of our life is defined by the people we choose to live it with, and so, as my time at The Mass Media comes to an end, I’ve decided to sit down—which still hurts, by the way—one final time with my close friend, UMass Boston’s legendary lighthou… well, to be honest, at this point, he may actually be more of a man than a lighthouse.
Joe DiPersio: Okay, I’m just going to address the elephant in the room. Have you been…
Bobby Beacon: Juicing? Gearing up? Slipping the slop? If you’re asking me if I’ve become a “roid boy” the answer is a fat NO. These gains are all-natural, baby, and let me tell you, I’ve never felt better! Something about having a family just makes you wanna eat clean and hit the gym, you know? I’ve mega-evolved. I’m a new Beacon. I’m Bobby Prime!
JD: Well, for one week, you’ve made some really impressive gains, and you say your motivation has been your family. How is the family? Cindy and Salazar?
BB: Oh, they’re perfect, just peachy! After the trial ended last week and my name was cleared, me and Cindy went to couples counseling and worked a few things out. We’ve got our issues, but I think we’re going in a positive direction. We’re trying to be good parents for Salazar, who, mind you, is a grown adult who’s already been kind of f—ed up by not growing up with a father, but I think that with a lot of hard work and effort, there’s still time to f— him back down.
JD: Better late than never, I suppose. I do have to say, though, I never really took you for the dad type.
BB: Why? Cause of that waste of space, Bool the Ghoul? Look, it’s hard for a tree to care about a seed that didn’t sprout from its root.
JD: What?
BB: When Salazar slimed his way into the courtroom, I took one look at him and I knew exactly where he’d been. He was in these balls. It’s just such a beautiful thing when you see someone in the world that you never met before and you go, “Ah, you were in me.” Not too long ago, he was a little, baby sperm that got peed out of my d— into the womb of a slug where he grew into a lighthouse. It’s a feeling you can’t understand until you’re a parent.
JD: All these years, and you’re still giving me good quotes, Bobby.
BB: Hey! And there’s the other elephant in the room, you’re leaving, you son of a b—! Geez, it’s been a crazy couple of years, hasn’t it? Remember that time I tried to kill myself and you ratted me out for crushing that guy in the car which resulted in his slow and eventual death?
JD: Remember that time you willingly let Kyle die?
BB: Touché. Guess we’re even, then. Anyway, let me ask you a question. How are you gonna live with yourself after this? Like, with all due respect, if you can’t write humor, what are you good for?
JD: Well… I don’t know. I guess I’ll just take things one day at a time and see where life takes me. But I’m happy…
BB: Woah! Alright, Pinocchio, I’m just gonna stop you right there before your nose grows so long, I start to get insecure. My therapist always told me, denial leads to delusion, and delusion is the path to devastation.
JD: Who was your therapist, Yoda?
BB: I’m just gonna disregard that terrible joke on account that you don’t have a butt. Anywho, in regards to your severed ass, your upcoming graduation and the rest of your miserable life, I got you a little going away present.
JD: Aw, Bobby! You didn’t have to do that!
BB: No, really, I insist! Go on, open it!
JD: There’s a gun in this box with one bullet.
BB: Yup! Pure silver. I wanted to cover all the bases.
JD: This is… really thoughtful? Wow, thank you so much for this… wonderful gift.
BB: Just remember; roof of the mouth. You don’t wanna f— it up. You don’t wanna end up like Bool.
JD: Wait, WHAT? Did Bool…
BB: Shoot himself ’cause I didn’t wanna pretend to be his daddy? Hell no! I was just kidding!
JD: Bobby, that wasn’t funny at all.
BB: Alright, assless, here’s a real joke for ya. What do you call a bug that spends the night at the museum?
JD: I don’t know, what?
BB: A cater-stiller!
JD: Oh, I get it! Caterpillar. Stiller. Ben Stiller starred in “Night at the Museum.” Wow, Bobby, I’m impressed. A corny pun plus a pop culture reference the younger generation probably won’t understand. You just made a dad joke.
BB: You can get right out of my swamp with that attitude, buddy! You bet your motherf—ing bottom dollar I just made a dad joke and you can bet your butt—well, not you—there’ll be plenty more to come!