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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The People vs. Bobby Beacon: A historic trial comes to an end

Bianca Oppedisano
A courtroom sketch of Bobby as a witness berates him. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano / Mass Media Staff.

It’s been one week since the trial to determine Bobby Beacon’s fate as UMass Boston’s mascot, and entering week two, the judge, jury and executioner—also known as University prosecutor, Lenny Snorgenelli—seem poised to get to the bottom of Beacon the support dog’s disappearance. 

“Well, I must say,” said Lenny while gallivanting around the courtroom waving an orange, hardcover book. “There’s some pretty incriminating stuff in here.” 

Lenny referred to Bobby’s “Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Do-It-Yourself Book” which had been unearthed by detective, T.N. Turner, while snooping around Bobby’s Boneyard. Most incriminating was a sketch on the page that tasked the reader with designing their own mansion for when they’re inevitably rich and famous. In Bobby’s mansion, a large room was designated as the “Dogg Killing Room.” 

“Your honor, there are two g’s in that dog!” screamed Bobby from his seat. “I was talking about Snoop! We were friends back in the day until we got into a little disagreement…hence the room. I would never stoop as low as to hurt a dog! I swear! Everybody I’ve ever killed—and spaghetti doesn’t count, Marcelo—has been unintentional!” 

At this moment, Lenny produced a conch shell and gave it a good, old-fashioned toot. It was the kind of toot that would lead one to believe something tremendous was about to burst through the doors of the courtroom, but alas, Boston Harbor’s scarcely-dressed guardian, Sea-Man, simply stood up and strutted to the stand. Clearing his throat performatively and shooting his half-brother, Bobby, a mischievous glare, he began to testify. 

“Robert claims that he’s above intentional murder; however, I was there the day he let a boy die. That boy’s name was Kyle Makkas, and Bobby waited patiently for him to fall to the sharks before ‘heroically’ rocketing himself off to save Joe from the same fate. He could have saved them both, but his jealousy drove him to, what I consider to be, murder.” 

The judge took a moment to silence the frantic chatter throughout the room before Sea-Man departed and things turned back to Lenny. 

“Now, if Bobby was jealous enough of a friend replacing him, imagine how jealous he’d be of a cute, little black Labrador puppy replacing him as mascot? And we all know what Bobby does when he’s jealous.” 

“I didn’t lay a finger on Beacon!” shouted Bobby, jumping from his seat and needing to be restrained by the court officers. “I don’t even care about being a mascot!” 

Lenny smiled coyly, knowing Bobby played directly into his hand.

“Oh, I think Cindy Slug would beg to differ.” 

At Lenny’s signal, a large slug woman slugged her way slowly into the courtroom and took the stand. 

“Three decades ago, Bobby and I dated,” explained Cindy. “Things were pretty good for a while until he got jealous of me as a mascot and got the entire baseball team of my school addicted to speed. The program got shut down and I was put out of work. But despite his petty, jealous nature and his past debacles, I don’t think he’s responsible for Beacon’s disappearance on account that Beacon’s over there with my son.” 

Cindy pointed to her son in the back of the room, a half-slug, half-lighthouse man named Salazar, who stood holding Beacon’s leash. Apparently, Beacon had simply run off with some wild coyotes for a few weeks to blow off some steam, meaning Bobby was officially off the hook.

“Well, I’ll be a wombat’s grandpappy!” exclaimed the judge. “Case dismissed!” 

While the jury, witnesses and a very devastated-looking Bool Beacon filed out of the room, Bobby was left with his ex-lover and newly discovered son. 

“Cindy, why didn’t you tell me we had a kid?” asked Bobby. 

“I didn’t think you’d care,” responded Cindy.

Bobby stared into Salazar’s thirty-something-year-old eyes before turning back to Cindy and allowing himself a rare moment of vulnerability. 

“I never meant to get your baseball team addicted to speed. They found my stash and I tried to pass it off as intentional so it looked like I was in control, but the truth is, I’m never in control. Everything I ever do, wrong or right, is unintentional. But if there’s one thing I ever do that is intentional, it’s gonna be making things right with you and our grown, adult son.”

Before the Slug-Beacon family could fully reconcile, a flustered Lenny approached them, steaming. 

“I was about to win my first case before your mutant son f—ed it all up by finding the damn dog! But hey, at least I didn’t sleep with Mama the Hutt!”

The freshly-acquitted Beacon appeared to be trying with all his might to avoid punching Lenny in the teeth in front of the judge, but the judge seemingly had other priorities. 

“Bobby, I’m willing to grant you full legal immunity from whatever action you see fit to take on this Lenny punk.” 

Lenny Snorgenelli was discovered three days later stuffed inside a suitcase floating off the coast of Deer Island in Boston Harbor.  

About the Contributors
Joe DiPersio, Humor Editor
Bianca Oppedisano, Illustrator