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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Bobby Beacon responds to Mass Media defamation

A+depressed+Bobby+the+Beacon+leans+on+an+uncomfortable+Kyle+Makkas+for+support+after+venting+his+feelings+about+The+Mass+Media.
Bianca Oppedisano
A depressed Bobby the Beacon leans on an uncomfortable Kyle Makkas for support after venting his feelings about The Mass Media. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano / Mass Media Staff

Rude, crude and mighty shrewd, Bobby Beacon has become something of an icon here at UMass Boston. After all, he is our mascot. As of late, however, that is exactly what has come under attack by the very publication you now hold in your hands. In our Beacon Buzz section, several students were asked one question: “If you could change the school mascot, what would it be and why?” This left Mr. Beacon feeling wronged. Hoping to shine a light on this controversy—he insisted on the pun—Mass Media recently paid Bobby a visit to gather his thoughts on the subject.
As soon as I, the chosen interviewer, exited campus center, I saw him in the distance. He was standing at the harbor, his hands behind his back. When I reached him, he didn’t change his stance or expression. He just said, “took you long enough.”
As we walked and talked, it quickly became apparent that this publication had wounded him deeply.
“There was a time where people were scared to be caught talking s—,” he said, absolutely fuming. “Not only do these kids literally publish their insults, but they put their pictures right next to them. This takes taunting to a crazy level. It’s almost threatening.”
I tried to calm Bobby down a bit. “I’m sure they’re not threatening you. It was just sort of a fun section in the paper,” I said. His face—if you can call it that— turned red.
“They said they’d rather have a cockroach for a mascot than me!” he said. It was a fair grievance.
“You know what really bothers me?! You guys asked those kids a leading question. There was no ‘I would never want to change our mascot, ’cause he’s really cool and makes me happy’ option. Instead, they had to settle for lesser mascots,” he said, nearly crying. “It’s sad, really.”
He continued airing his grievances: “Somebody said there should be a Bean mascot. Do you even know why Boston is called Beantown? Well, I do, and trust me, that ain’t anything you want to be associated with! There was also a bee and a crab. I’m getting a very ‘we like being small’ vibe here. I’m a big boy. Are you guys scared of big boys or something?”
“As for that kid you said he’d like his friend Paul to be mascot, I only have one thing to say. You think your rep is anything like mine? Do ya Paul? Talk to the OGs and see how they react to my name. Could you strike that level of fear into someone’s heart?”
“Kendall Roy from Succession was also brought up. No. As for the goose, I hate those s—-. Have you ever been chased by a goose? I have. Once. They knew to stay away after that.”
“Then there’s the seal suggestion. The reason given was that seals are cute. If you want cute you should get the f— out of Beantown. That’s not what we’re about here. Finally, what do I think about the wolf wailing at the moon recommendation? Okay, actually that one’s pretty cool. Still, that’d be a tough costume to make. Lucky for you guys, I’m not wearing a costume.”
I quickly asked him his thoughts on the anonymous stuffed animal. “That’s ridiculous. Talking animals can’t talk,” said the sentient lighthouse. “What do they think, we’re stupid or something?”
We finally stopped at the beach. Sitting on the sand, Bobby finally opened up a bit. “You know, there was a time when nobody would’ve had the guts to say that to me. It wasn’t just because of fear either. I fought for this campus. Blood was spilled for this campus!” Again, I tried to push for an elaboration, but the look in his eyes told me to just let it go.
Moving on from the past, he told me his plans for the future. “You know what I’m gonna do. I’m suing you guys!” He showed me a piece of paper—don’t ask me where he was keeping it—with what appeared to be a child’s drawing on it. “This here’s my cease-and-desist letter. I spent all afternoon working on it.”
I tried to make out what exactly the paper said. There were a great deal of scribbles, and the word “cantaloupe” was scrawled across the middle in the most refined cursive I had ever seen. However, nothing resembling a coherent statement could be found. Even after telling Bobby this, he insisted I keep it so I could show it to Mass Media.
Note: After holding the note up to a mirror, I found the phrase “Paul Is Dead” sprawled out in front of me. Bobby declined to comment on this curious matter.
Finally, we walked back to the campus. I looked into his eyes, and behind them saw an entire world of pain and suffering. An entire lifetime of tragedy danced in his irises. I got the sense that he would have started crying, if he had any more tears left to give.
Before he parted, he said “I want to leave you with one more thought.” He looked down at the ground and sighed. “You’ve got something on you.” After asking where, he pointed at my shirt and as I looked down, he flicked his finger upwards. He then started maniacally laughing, ran to the harbor and leaped into the water.

About the Contributors
Kyle Makkas, Humor Writer
Bianca Oppedisano, Illustrator