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The Mass Media

Oscar-winning actor sells ‘Bald Babies’ at UMass Boston. Confused? You should be.

Al+Pacino+proudly+holding+up+a+baby.+Illustration+by+Bianca+Oppedisano+%28She%2FHer%29+%2F+Mass+Media+Staff

Al Pacino proudly holding up a baby. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff

“Say hello to my little friend!” A crowd of people stared out at the man whose powerful voice absolutely demanded attention. The time: 2:47 p.m., Feb. 23. The place: University Hall Theater. The person: Al Pacino, proudly holding a bald baby for all to see.  

What could have brought the legend of stage and screen onto our campus by the water? Two words. Bald. Babies. Let me tell you a little about it. 

Most babies are born without much hair. After all, they have their entire life to grow some. There are others, however, who come out with flowing locks worthy of mighty Samson himself. While those babies tend to develop a small bald spot in the middle of their heads as the months go on, the fact remains that they’ve got a full head of hair.  

Now, to the average Joe, this isn’t really a concern. Who cares? Well, some people do. How would you like to go around knowing a baby has more hair than you? The plight of bald people has become far too accepted by this supposed society, which prides itself on its “enlightenment.” If we are to give any meaning to the word “equality,” something must be done. It may be impossible to give hair to the bald…but what about the bald to the baby? That’s where multimillionaire Tradd Lackshaw comes into the picture.

“Right around the time I earned my first million from my dad’s inheritance,” he said humbly, “I started noticing my hairline receding. I hoped against hope that I was just seeing things, but I wasn’t. I really was going bald.” Lackshaw’s hardships didn’t end there.

“I know that most people can’t even imagine the hell that I have been through, but I ask you to just try. Imagine going to a Beyoncé concert, then taking a private jet to a rave at 2 p.m. before riding your limo all the way back to your mansion, only to be greeted by your supermodel wife and your newly born non-bald son? Would you want to be in my shoes now? I thought not.” Tears flowed from his eyes as he told me about his doubts on whether his son was really his. After all, could a child with the mane of a god ever be the child of a bald man like Tradd? Genetics say yes, but Tradd’s heart was not as sure. With his son’s head of hair practically taunting him, Tradd knew he had to take drastic action.

“I hired the world’s top scientists to figure out a way to turn my son bald. As it turned out, the technology already existed, it’s just that nobody had ever been asked to do that before. I guess when you’re an innovator, you just start throwing around genius-like cigarette butts.” After applying the formula to his son’s head, the results were immediate. The boy was bald. In fact, he’s still bald today. That was ten years ago.

“What can I say,” said Tradd. “When I make something, it works.” Now, he looks to give his gift to the world by selling his patented anti-hair formula under the banner of his company, Bald Babies. 

“Now, hold on,” you may be asking yourself—if you’re still reading. “I, an intellectual, remember that Al Pacino was attached to Bald Babies. How does he come into this?” Now, slow down there, cowboy. Do I look like I owe you an explanation? What kind of person just interrupts someone else like that in the middle of their article? Especially, when it’s mine! I’ll give you what you want this time, but you really need to take a look inwards. 

“Godfather” star Al Pacino became a spokesperson for Bald Babies due to the simplest of reasons—he believed in the cause. “I may have a full head of hair, but a lot of my friends haven’t been so fortunate,” said “Scarface” Pacino. He growled every word with a conviction that made me unable to pay attention to anything else in the room. An atomic bomb could have gone off, and I wouldn’t have noticed. He was power incarnate. He was beautiful. 

“I do this for all the boys back home who didn’t make it full-haired! I can’t just stand back and let grown men be shamed when I’ve got the influence to do something. There are just some causes you’ve got to speak up for.” By the time he was done talking I had the overwhelming urge to hand him an Oscar.  

As for his sales pitch to me, I found him to be just as blunt and to the point as before. “When I see a baby with a head of hair, I say…no thank you! Goodbye! It’s a sin that this world has gone on tolerating for far too long. Some things, even if they’re au naturel, have just got to go. Adios muchachos!”  

Tradd, who was sitting right next to us at the time, built off of that. “I’m glad you brought that up. Humans are no stranger to getting rid of things they’re born with,” he stated. “That being said, because the product only works when applied at a really young age, we’ve started calling it ‘circumcision for baldness.’ That’s become our slogan because I think it helps people see what we’re talking about.” 

However, while the two men are allies, Lackshaw and Pacino could not be more different. When describing his product, Tradd tried to give me a soft sell by saying, “Charlie Brown used bald babies! Caillou used bald babies!” Pacino bluntly responded with, “I don’t care about no Mickey Mouse kiddie s—, I just want those babies to be bald!” He was like Serpico, willing to tell the truth when no one else would. I love him. 

That brings us to where we started. Al Pacino, holding a bald baby in University Hall Theater. As it turns out, even with all of the money and fame in the world—and a slogan as brilliant as “circumcision for baldness”—certain products still need some time to catch on. Desperate for venues to demonstrate just what Bald Babies can do, Lackshaw and the almighty Pacino came to UMass Boston. While no splash was made in terms of economic profit, an arguably bigger impact was made on me. I met Al Pacino. Now I miss him. Send him back to me. 

 

About the Contributor
Kyle Makkas, Humor Writer