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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Attorney looks to represent college students: ‘I may not be good, but I’m affordable!’


A lawyer has his underwear on over his pants while relaying evidence to the court to exonerate his defendant who worries about his lawyer’s tactic. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff. 

Have you ever not been paid for a day’s work? Have you ever not gotten a job because of your background? Have you ever just wanted to sue the s— out of somebody? Well, one man is hoping to represent you. His name? Lenny. 

“I never really liked the whole last name thing,” he told me. “I especially hated my last name. So, one day I marched over to the Probate and Family Court and started screaming at them to get rid of my last name. At one point, I got on top of a chair and started preaching about my persecution. People would try to knock me off the chair, but I would leap onto another one. Then I started sobbing as loudly as I could, making sure to get my face as messed-up looking as possible. Everyone in that room hated my guts, but it was worth it. I just wanted to be Lenny. Nothing more. Nothing less.” But is not having a last name legal?

“I don’t really know about the law all that much, but I do know that when I started making a scene, they just gave me whatever the heck I wanted,” he said. “That’s when I discovered my talent. I could irritate people so much, they would do anything to make me leave.” 

Shortly after his first legal victory, Lenny decided to open up his own law firm called “Lenny’s Law.” He started broadcasting commercials on local television. They were all filled with fantastical claims like, “If you let me be your lawyer, I’ll fire your boss” and “Who needs a license when you got Lenny for a lawyer?” After a few nights of these broadcasts, Lenny was sued for false advertising.  

“I don’t get it. Red Bull can say they’ll give you wings, Dunks can say an entire country runs on them, but I can’t tell people they can break the law? It’s all just ridiculous.” Strangely enough, while Lenny didn’t win any of these false advertising trials, he also didn’t lose them. The whole case was thrown out of court due to the judge declaring them mistrials.

“I really just threw everything against the wall and tried to see what would stick,” he said. “We’re talking jumping jacks during testimony, triple dog daring the judge to let me win the case, cradling a copy of the Declaration of Independence with one hand while doing a one-man puppet show performance of ‘The Wizard of Oz’ with the other. It was truly a masterclass of lawyering on my end.” 

Wanting to avoid another lawsuit, he changed his advertising campaign. Instead of making outrageous promises, he decided to talk directly to the people he was hoping to represent—billionaires.  

“I got Jeff Bezos’ number from…well, let’s just call it an anonymous source. I called almost 200 times but he never picked up. I got Zuckerberg’s number too. He actually did pick up, but I gotta be honest, he just bored the f— out of me. I thought I had gotten a robocall for a solid five minutes.” 

“Musk also answered, and I represented him for a while. I talked him into buying Twitter and told him to ignore the whole ‘exploding cars’ thing. We got along really well, but all good things must come to an end. One day I asked him when he’d pay me and the next thing I knew, I’m running from a self-driving Tesla. C’est la vie!” 

His failure with the upper class sent him looking further and further down the ladder until finally, he settled on university students. “Let’s face it, a person whose life is going good and has money to spare is probably going to hire a lawyer who actually knows the law. College kids though, they’re spending too much money on school and rent to afford that. Truth is, I’m your best option. It’s sad, but true.” 

It’s worth mentioning that Lenny has never actually lost a case. Every case he’s ever had has ended in a mistrial. “All these other lawyers are going about it all wrong. It ain’t about wearing suits and reading books. It’s about confusing people. If you can do that, it don’t matter whether you know how to read, write or flush. Call me stupid all you want, but I’m stupid in the right way. In the Lenny way.” He just may be at that. 

About the Contributor
Kyle Makkas, Humor Writer