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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

Club profile: Sarcastaball

Bianca Oppedisano
An illustration of a person in a football jersey and a tinfoil hat. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano / Mass Media Staff

UMass Boston made one of the best decisions of its storied history when it got rid of the football team. Taking its place was a club created in the 1990s due to the sport’s growing popularity at high schools and universities alike. The club in question has since become a staple of UMass Boston, and though many students who come from across the world have different names for the sport, like “scornbol,” “oddball” and “ridiculousness,” the official name of the school club is “sarcastaball.”

Sarcastaball made its inception after the NFL decided to shift its focus toward the creation of a safer sport; collegiate and high school sports soon followed suit. The game itself involves no hitting and zero protective equipment. Stylish tin foil hats are also provided to players to be worn along with their jerseys. Instead of a football, a balloon is passed between players. Passes are counted when offensive teams deliver polite compliments to their opponents, while defenders try to secure turnovers by attempting to outwit them with sarcastic remarks to make them blow a fuse.

Initially, many people believed the creation was a stunt to keep media attention away from the situation involving OJ Simpson. However, fans soon realized that it would’ve been illogical of the NFL to do such a thing after OJ’s innocence was proven.

The league soon went back to football after another long-lasting legal problem flooded media outlets across the country. The NFL first changed to the NSA, or National Sarcastaball Association, but was forced to switch back to the NFL because I guess the former acronym is the same government entity that’s going after a whistleblower. Don’t get it twisted though, sarcastaball has done more for our country than those data-breaching dillholes, and by no means does the longevity of the case have any reflection on how this country’s legal system operates.

Plus, too many jokes were made about Peyton “Megamind” Manning’s forehead—check that, fourteen head—for the game to go on. The man must have a lot of pent-up anger that stems from his playing days. Same with Brett Favre, but it’s hard to understand why he would be the all-time leader in interceptions, as he seems like such a humble, standup guy.

Fortunately, sarcastaball has made a comeback in the past few years. Tom Brady’s love and affection for his kids was a catalyst for the resurrection of the beloved game, as his sensitive side helped to shed a light of hope on a violent world preoccupied with football. The game made a revival after Brady’s documentary, “Tom vs. Time” came out in early 2018 and has seen a spike in viewership since his heartwarming Instagram story a few weeks ago. Brady has since scored an endorsement deal with Hershey’s, starring in commercials for their chocolate “kisses” and even donated a generous 1.2 percent of his proceeds to charity. Truly remarkable!

Brady’s loving nature touched the hearts of millions of people, and hundreds of UMass Boston students, who hope to play the game they have all grown to love, whether they have prior experience or not. Marshfield native and UMass Boston sarcastaball club member Bobby Kuuth reflected on his time with the club in an interview:

 “Yeah, it’s honestly the best sport at this school. I especially love paying $10—check that, $15—daily to practice at a field owned by a school down the street. But hey, I can’t complain, I know the money I’m giving to the meter is being put to good use by the people in charge of this place. They deserve a pat on the back, no question about that.”

As you can tell, Kuuth is the best offensive player on the team. I mean, free safety is one of the most important positions after all. It sucks he doesn’t live up to the standards of Marshfield’s storied history, given the town is home to Marsh Field, the high school sarcastaball field named after the founder of the most exciting game in sports, Randy Marsh. The person who came up with that clever nickname must be a multimillionaire by now because they’re nowhere near their wit’s end.

Matty B. Reads is another member of the club, and he voiced his opinion about the team and its success: “What the hell do you mean success? We’re 1–8 right now and our offense does nothing. I don’t care what Kuuth says about himself, I’m by far the best player on defense, he’s always the one giving up the touchdowns. It’s not my fault people compliment my luscious locks and terrific personality.”

Matty lives up to his last name because the guy’s got an IQ of 165. He’s gonna go on and do great things for the NSA. It’s evident that he’s far better at playing sarcastaball than football, and that’s saying something because he was a top-five middle linebacker in the state of Georgia. Thank heavens he’s fully recovered from his third-grade concussion, too. Who knows if the team would be able to win a second game with him riding the bench; they were lucky enough to win the one game he sat out of. It looks like he won’t have to work another day in his life if he keeps up his collegiate dominance. The guy should be playing D-1 for cry eye.

Sarcastaball has always been one of the most entertaining games to watch, obviously not because of the spread of contempt and extremely unfunny “humor” by the defense, but rather the sharing of love. Love is what makes the world go around at the end of the day, not the disgraceful crap that’s a burden to human dialect.

Besides, sarcasm is outdated anyway, who the hell even uses it anymore? There’s a reason why comedians suck nowadays, maybe they should play a pickup game of sarcastaball and learn to spread kindness rather than disdain rooted in contempt and irony. It’ll likely be a shootout because of the undeniable lack of defensive skill. Expect a high-scoring game since they’re gonna blow more than the person who inflates the balloon.

About the Contributors
Nick Collins, Sports Editor
Bianca Oppedisano, Illustrator