Gemini (May 21-June 21): For lifting cartoons off the funny pages, use Silly Putty. For lifting George Will columns off the op-ed page, use Serious Putty.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): If you sold flip-flops to hipsters, but called them flop-flips, you could probably make a million dollars.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Even though spring break is over, don’t feel like you need to curb your afternoon drinking.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Giving up sex for Lent doesn’t really count if you weren’t getting laid to begin with.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Just be glad you weren’t one of the horses on HBO’s “Luck”.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): If you’re training for a marathon, remember that all you really need to do is buy some new shoes and get a subscription to Runner’s World.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Let’s face it, you’re not a businessman or a business, man, you’re a college kid.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Just because your room was really messy before “Hoarders” premiered, doesn’t mean you were just ahead of your time.

Libra (September 23-October 22): To answer your question, three women at the same time is a pretty good practical limit when it comes to bedroom activities… you were overdoing it with seven.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): Stop carrying a manual typewriter around and calling it a laptop ironically.

Leo (July 23-August 22): If you’re enjoying weather that’s 30 degrees warmer than normal, just imagine how much fun you’ll be having in August!

Cancer (June 22-July 22): The key to group projects is to find the group with all the self-motivated students who will pick up your slack.