Crime: Annoying by talking way too much in class

I get it dude, class gets boring sometimes and you believe the only way to survive the grueling fifty minutes of class is by talking at the top of your lungs for forty three of them. But why can’t you be like most good students and just text and surf the internet? Talking loudly in class WILL NOT get you laid. I repeat, you will die a virgin if that’s what you think will make you cool.

Sentence: They have to wear a muzzle (like a dog) until you finally shut up.

Crime: Annoying by being full of shit

It’s not annoying when people make fun of UMass, but it is especially aggravating when people start talking about how they should have been in Harvard or some other schools that are obviously out of their league. I mean, when you barely passed the SATs and your report card reads like a stutterer struggling with the letter D, how do you expect me to believe you turned down admission to Princeton because “you weren’t feeling it”? You’re an annoying liar and you should be punished.

Sentence: They must spend 6 years enrolled in Roxbury Community College with no possibility of transfer or early graduation.

Crime: Annoying by being a slow douche

Picture this: you have about two minutes to get to class. The professor of that class is a domineering pissbag, who expresses her/his dissatisfaction with life by docking half a letter grade for every time you’re late to class, and you find yourself stuck on the catwalk behind the human versions of sea turtles. These people (or turtles) block off the whole catwalk, proceed to walk like they own the catwalk and they basically say that anyone behind them can quietly jump in a hole or walk slowly behind them. If that pisses you off greatly and makes you want to make turtle soup out of the slow douches, then you’re like me. These turds need justice.

Sentence: Running on a treadmill going 20 miles an hour. Strapped to the treadmill is a bomb that will go off when they slow down or stop. Let’s see how those assholes like that.

CRIME: Annoying by being lazy (and probably fat)

I have nothing against fat people. In fact, being a former fatty myself, I feel the pain they feel. But I have a problem with lazy people. You know, the people who ride the elevator up one floor. It’s just plain pathetic. It’s even way faster to just take the stairs to the next level. If you’re one of these people, let me get your side of this: you’re diligent enough to walk into the cafeteria and stuff your face with three cheeseburgers and two sodas but you can’t climb the stairs?

Sentence: Starve them for days in a desert, with a tantalizing image of a burrito in front of them. Every time they run towards the burrito, it magically vanishes. That’ll make them appreciate physical activity a lot more, trust me.

Crime: Annoying by being an inconsiderate dick

I am of the belief that every student is entitled to a spot on the shuttle bus- unless you are quite corpulent, in which case you might need a whole freaking row. Anyway, it irks me when after a freaking long day at school, I get on the shuttle bus and it’s filled with people who are the walking embodiment of dicks. If you’re not a completely selfish tool, then why would you let your backpack take up a whole seating spot on a bus that feels like a can of sardines? Or why would you stand at the front of the bus, not moving inside, but instead blocking other passengers from getting on? It’s because of people like you that life sometimes seems unbearable.

Sentence: Smack ‘em. Just smack them right in the face.