Gemini (May 21-June 21): Keep working on those apology notes to all the people you covered in puke on St. Patrick’s Day.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You take that little sticker off an apple before you eat it, right? So take that sticker off your hat already.

Aries (March 21-April 19): It’s not a flash mob if you’re the only one doing it.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Your mash up of Mozart with Chopin is a little too subtle for most people to appreciate.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Just because you CAN cut all your boots with your new Miracle Blade III Perfection Series knives, doesn’t mean you should.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): If you put your arm around an acquaintance and accidentally grab her boob, whatever you do, don’t send a text apologizing, it only makes it worse.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Enjoying the weather? Still think you’ll enjoy it when the thermometer hits 120 every day this summer?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Yeah, but how good is Tiger Woods at mini golf?

Libra (September 23-October 22): If a girl says she wants to take a ride on your “disco stick”, she’s referring to your weenus.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): Next time you fill out a bracket, make sure you pick teams who are actually in the tournament.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Remember: the difference between the ice cream man and a pedophile is the quality of the van.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You were right: Zubaz pants would always be in style.