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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Professor Report Card

Of course, an eye patch is a license to teach however the hell you want.

Dearest Faculty:

We have established some “Professor Personas,” and once you have identified which group belong to, there is some corresponding advice that will help not only you as a teacher, but us as a suffering student body.


A Concerned Student

“The Dinosaur”

On special occasions as a child, your parents would let you stay up past your bedtime, and listen to “late night” radio shows. You recall World War I as “the Great War,” and you probably even remember where you were the night Lincoln was shot. Your lectures are like watching movies in black and white, they’re boring and no one likes them. The only one who understands your jokes is that weird old guy in the front of class who graduated high school when tie-dye was still cool. And even my hips ache watching your Neanderthal-ass slowly tiptoe around like any step could be your last.

Student Suggestions

Invest in some life insurance, and hurry up and die already.

“The Young Teacher”

You suck. You couldn’t achieve any of your dreams, so you went back to school, and now you’re standing in front of us. You graduated from college a couple of years ago, and you moved here from some obscure place no one’s ever heard of with your boyfriend or girlfriend, which most of us find it hard to believe you have. Your PowerPoints suck, they seem as if they were written for a two year old, or by a two year old, and the laptop-wallpaper picture of your dog is so predictable. We could probably teach the class better than you, and you are probably aware of this. No one really listens to you, or takes you too seriously. You are the “substitute teacher” of college professors.

Student Suggestions

Start drinking. Heavily. Like every day.

“The Former Professional”

You have extensive experience based in the subject that you teach. On the first day of the semester, you explain how you wrote a book, or that you are an experienced scientist, or doctor, or artist, or former business owner, or “manager,” to establish that you know what you’re talking about. At first, your anecdotes from your career are a fantastic supplement to the material. But when five minutes cannot pass without you pausing from the lecture, smirking to yourself, looking up at the ceiling, and beginning with, “When I was in the field…” Holy shit! We get it already! Thank you for sacrificing your invaluable time, and gracing us with your superior presence, but enough about your life story! As a kid, nobody “dreams” about going to UMass Boston, or teaching at UMass Boston, and you’re a professor at UMass Boston now… so you couldn’t have been too special at doing whatever it is that you did!

Student Suggestions

Find a shrink, or someone who actually wants to hear your life story, or at least gets paid to.

“The Stand-Up Comedian”

You are probably a middle child, and were never given much attention. However, just because teaching gives you the undivided attention of 30 students, does not give you the right to torture us with your awful, suicidal-thought inducing jokes! You were a nerd in high school, and you’re an even bigger nerd now… because you probably teach math. If you put glitter on a pimple, it’s still a pimple, and your terrible jokes do not cover up the fact that, again, you’re teaching math. We’re required to take your class, don’t make it worse than it already is. If they brought your stand-up act to Guantanamo Bay, the International Committee of the Red Cross would be there in a second to rule it a “cruel and unusual” form of punishment.

Student Suggestions

Let us use a cheat-sheet with formulas for tests, don’t have a cumulative final, and we’ll like you enough, just stop telling jokes. Your insights into life are not clever, they’re weird, and they make us uncomfortable.

“Hott Teacher”

Students pay attention in your classes, but not necessarily to the material. You are the reason Van Halen wrote “Hot for Teacher.” Students have actually failed your class, but gladly taken it again. On ratemyprofessor.com, you have received a considerable number of red chili peppers. Other teachers are very nice to you. You always did well in school, and never understood why people ever thought school was that hard. In addition to teaching, you probably do yoga.

Student Suggestions

Keep up the good work! You’re doing a great job!