Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your outlook is far too positive for someone of your overall ability/attractiveness level.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Remember: those who live in glass houses should not wear clothes (especially if they’re hot).

Aries (March 21-April 19): Make it a true daily double.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Be very careful about who you challenge to a duel. Especially Jerry. He’s nuts.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): It’s not cheating if you live in different area codes and she has a restraining order against you.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Technically, you can convert to Christianity just for the Easter Candy, but it’s frowned upon.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): If you have to choose either Anchorman 2 or Dumb and Dumber 2, just watch that artsy movie your girlfriend has been bugging you about.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): For all their bragging, Stride gum doesn’t seem to last very long, does it?

Libra (September 23-October 22): You can do anything you want in life, as long as you make a billion dollars first.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): If someone asks you “if you have nuts on the wall, are they walnuts?” don’t let them continue that line of questioning.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Last week’s lucky numbers (sorry I’m late with this!): 2, 4, 23, 38, 46, mega ball 23.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Sick of the whole election thing? Vote Kang & Kodos 2012, benevolent dictators for life.