Gemini (May 21-June 21): Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You’re an excellent driver. ‘Course, it’s 10 minutes until Wapner.

Aries (March 21-April 19): You know Sloth, if you sit too close to the TV you’re going hurt your eyes.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): If you give her your heart, be prepared for her to give you a pen.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Dong, where is my automobile?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): People see you as they want to see you… In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Heros get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart kid, and you’ll never go wrong.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You can be my wingman any time.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Ski the K-12, dude. You make a gnarly run like that and girls will get sterile just looking at you.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin’ film, and you never even talked to her. You don’t even own a camera.

Leo (July 23-August 22): If someone asks you if you are a god, you say “YES!”

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!