This week’s horoscopes were guest written by Skrillex.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): My name is Skrillex. My name is Skrillex. My name is Skrillex.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Step one: buy thick framed glasses. Step two: don’t give a fuck.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Out of ideas? Drop the bass.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): E is for ecstasy, that’s good enough for me.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Only a poser wouldn’t know the difference between Chicago House and Deep House.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Think it’s easy to press play on a MacBook? Try doing it in front of 10,000 people!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): BEEP BOOP BEE BEE BEE BEE BOOP BOOP

Libra (September 23-October 22): Melody is for pussies. And songwriters.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): Deadmau5’s head smells totally gross on the inside. Trust me, I’d know.

Leo (July 23-August 22): WARNING: only shave the left side of your head. You don’t even want to know what it means if you shave the right side.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): [sound of robots humping]