Interviewer: Let’s see, you are, uh, “Jimmy”? Did I say that right?

Jimmy: Yes.

Interviewer: So Jimmy, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Jimmy: Well, I graduated college with a…

Interviewer: Graduated from college.

Jimmy: Pardon?

Interviewer: You didn’t graduate college, you graduated from college. In the former, you made measurement marks on the sides of buildings, in the latter, you completed a course of study resulting in a degree.

Jimmy: Sorry about that. Like I was saying, I graduated from college with 3.75 GPA, and I was the vice president of…

Interviewer: Why should I hire the vice president?

Jimmy: Excuse me?

Interviewer: If I want to hire the best person for the job, why would I ever hire the vice president? That’s like hiring Dan Quayle over Abraham Lincoln.

Jimmy: Well, I have lots of experience with…

Interviewer: By default, everyone has lots of experience. Bubble boy has lots of experience, it’s just living-in-a-bubble centric. It seems to me that you have lots of experience being second in command and not getting straight As.

Jimmy: Look, I don’t know what I did to irritate you, but I can just leave if…

Interviewer: How about you shut up, sit down, and pray to whatever god you serve that you lie well enough to impress me today. Or else, you can just bookmark the EBT food stamps website on your crappy toshiba laptop.

Jimmy: Actually, I have a MacBook.

Interviewer: No you don’t, it’s a Toshiba. You know how I know? Because it’s a piece of crap, and you sir are, by your own admission, a number 2. Understand?

Jimmy: Yes I do.

Interviewer: You better.

Jimmy: I just said I did, what do you want from me?

Interviewer: I ask the questions here.

Jimmy: I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Not as sorry as your next unemployment check will be.

Jimmy: Wait, does that mean I don’t get the job?

Interviewer: Was that a question? Did you just ask me another goddamn question? I know you didn-…

Jimmy: No no no, it wasn’t a question. I’m just very confused, and honestly, a little scared right now.

Interviewer: Moving on. Why do you think this company will be a good fit for you?

Jimmy: I know that this organization has big plans for the future and my skills and immense dedication will be able to-

Interviewer: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Since you have such “immense dedication,” why are you here?

Jimmy: Because the economy is really-

Interview: The economy is what? It can’t be bad, I have a job. What’s next? You’ll tell me how your girlfriend dumped you and said it wasn’t you, it was her, and you bought it?

Jimmy: She slept with my best friend!

Interviewer: Let me guess: he was the President.

Jimmy: Oh my lord. This is the worst interview I’ve ever had.

Interviewer: Well, you’re in luck because it’s over. Do you have any questions for me?

Jimmy: Yes. Why are you… no, wait. You said no questions, so no questions.

Interviewer: That was before. Now you can ask.

Jimmy: Why are you so mean?

Interviewer: What did I say about questions! Get out of my office this instant before I break you in half!

Jimmy: You’re insane.

Interviewer: Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, thanks for coming in, we’ll let you know our decision by the end of the week.