Gemini (May 21-June 21): I hate to tell you this, but there’s a lack of Carrot Top impersonators for a reason.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): In this bad an economy, you may not be able to fall back on stripping as easily as you thought.

Aries (March 21-April 19): It’s going to be surprisingly easy for you to go pro in Frolf.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): No one is interested in your new cereal “Scrapz”, made from the remants from the bottom of all the other cereal boxes.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Never give people up, never let people down, never run around and hurt them.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Despite what the graduation speakers says, these were in fact the best years of you’re life, it’s all downhill from here.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Although the person who graduates last in their class from med school is still a doctor, keep in mind that you didn’t go to med school.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): You won’t have friends in low places, you’ll be the friend in low places.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Based on your virility, it’s absolutely shocking you haven’t fathered a dozen children by now.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): Just FYI: in the real world, you’re expected to give handys on the first date.

Leo (July 23-August 22): At least in college, you don’t have to worry about not having a date to prom, since, you know, there’s no prom.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Successful people don’t need self-help books.