Congratulations!

Today is your day

You’re off to great places

You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head

And feet in your shoes

So it’s off to career fairs

To network and schmooze

You’re on your own

And you know what you know

Recession be damned

You’ll be raking in dough

You’ll look up and down Craigslist

And Monster.com

And become friends on LinkedIn with crazy Aunt Fawn

With your head full of brains

And your shoes full of feet

You even deleted that offending tweet

Out here things can happen

And frequently do

To people much smarter and attractive than you

You’ll fall far behind

‘Cause you have degrees

In unserious subjects

Like Women’s Studies

Wherever you fly you’ll be worse than the rest

Wherever you go you will lose to the Best

I’m sorry to say so

But sadly, it’s true

That long term, soul crushing unemployment leading to depression and feelings of hopelessness

Can happen to you

And when you are jobless

You’re not in for much fun

Finding an income

Is not easily done

You’ve tried every office

From here to Peru

No one has a job

There’s nothing to do

At least McDonalds

Could use a fry cook

But they said you’re too qualified:

You’ve read more than one book

So you start your own blog

But there’s no cash to be made

On detailing how hard it is

For you to get laid

And deeper and deeper

Into despair you will spiral

As you realize you’re gonna

Be broke for a while

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked

Some windows are lighted

But mostly they’re darked

Yet now you are desperate

Not to move home

And live with your parents, Diane and Jerome

So down the dark alley

To meet with the man

Who sells crystal meth

From an old panel van

“One rock to resell”

Your hear yourself mutter

As you pray dealing drugs

Gets you out of the gutter

Except that it won’t

And you’re screwed if you don’t

You’re in the game now

There’s no way to leave

Besides waging a drug war

On a midsummer’s eve

But perhaps you’ll get lucky

And can leave this behind

If your resume gets noticed

By the scourge of mankind

A temp staffing firm

Might offer a job

In a cubicle somewhere

Safe from the mob

And so you will go

With your shoes on your feet

To a sad office park

Every day, every week

For the rest of your life

‘Till you’re old and disgusting

You’ll wish you ignored

And been way less trusting

Of those who had told you

To follow your dreams

To take silly courses

To join silly teams

You’ll wish you put down

The beer and the bong

And picked up a text book

And studied ‘till dawn

And learned about math and chem and biology

Pehaps taken a class

About Einstein’s Cosmology

So that you might have

At least one good ability

And not get treated in interviews

With such open hostility

But forget this for now

It’s not time to worry

You’ll figure it out

No need to hurry

Your time is now

Today is your day!

You’re still unaware that a lifetime of pain, rejection, and loneliness which, even in a best case scenario ends in death, lies in front of you

So get on your way!