Gemini (May 21-June 21): ”Your mom” jokes shouldn’t be funny anymore, but when applied to your mom, they are. Go figure.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Don’t put a price on your dignity, let NBC’s “Fear Factor” do it for you!

Aries (March 21-April 19): All this time you thought you were Goofus and not Gallant; turns out you were right!

Pisces (February 19-March 20):  People may never understand that, for you, a mullet isn’t just a haircut, it’s a way of life.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Children should be seen and not heard, but if you can’t see or hear them, better make sure they didn’t fall down a well.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Be wary of one armed fishmongers. Well, fishmongers in general. Really, any sort of monger, just… watch out.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): It’s not the motion of the ocean, it’s the size of the boat.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Watch “The Shawshank Redemption” again, you’re overdue.

Libra (September 23-October 22): When you die, on your deathbed, you will achieve total consciousness.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): You will be able to get away with one episode of flatulence in class this week, so choose wisely!

Leo (July 23-August 22): If you’re happy and you know it, please stop clapping, you’re annoying the bejeezus out of everyone.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): It’s too bad the Occupy UMB people didn’t pitch their tents in Wheatley, where they’d actually be needed for protection from the elements.