Gemini (May 21-June 21): Before you go ahead and join the mathletes, remember that even when they win, they’re still losers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Cars are for lazy people. From now on, travel like a man: on your Segway.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Before you go see The Phantom Menace in 3-D, remember that the third dimension they added wasn’t character or plot depth.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): A wise man once said, “A flute without holes is not a flute, and a donut without a hole is a Danish.”

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): When some people sweat, they glisten. When you sweat, it’s just gross.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Don’t sell yourself short; sell yourself tall.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Stop playing with your weather machine and make it snow already.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Your professor will reward you with five bonus points for every Caddyshack reference you can fit into your paper.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Fortunately, you will meet someone tall, dark, and handsome. Unfortunately, it will be your reflection in a mirror.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): If you hadn’t heard of Bon Iver before the Grammys, don’t worry, you’re not missing much.

Leo (July 23-August 22): If your girlfriend is upset that you got her a vacuum cleaner for her birthday, it’s probably because what she really wanted was a food processor.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You may think you’re writing the Great American Novel, but really, it’s more like a bad Twilight knockoff.