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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

Trustees Disregard Occupiers

Thankfully%2C+smell-o-vision+doesnt+exist.
Thankfully, smell-o-vision doesn’t exist.

As the Occupy UMB movement continues to camp out in the Campus Center, the school administration has been cautious in its response. So far, they have been hesitant to take any direct action towards evicting the protesters, choosing instead to politely request that the students leave on their own. The Mass Media was allowed to attend a meeting of the Board of Trustees regarding the Occupiers, on the condition that we reprint the discussion verbatim. What follows is our transcript.

James J. Karam, chairman of the Board of Trustees: Welcome gentlemen, we’re here to discuss the ongoing occupy protests in the campus center. So, who wants to get the ball rolling?

Mark Jannoni, associate dean of students: Frankly, I don’t see the point of this meeting.

JK: What do you mean?

MJ: Well, it’s a bunch of tents in the campus center, who cares?

Patrick Day, vice chancellor for Student Affairs: Clearly those students care.

MJ: So what? It’s not like they can actually do anything about anything.

PD: What if they rally students against the administration?

MJ: Oooooh a big non-violent protest, I’m shaking in my boots.

JK: So then what do you propose?

MJ: Just let them be. Hell, did the actual occupiers do anything? Nope! As long as they were left alone to not shower and have drum circles, they were fine. It was only a thing when the police went in and started cracking skulls.

DeWayne Lehman, director of communications: They raised awareness!

MJ: A communications director would say that. Who cares about awareness? Awareness does nothing in the real world. Occupy raised awareness and changed… nothing. Remember when they had the Live 8 Concerts to raise awareness about poverty in Africa? Good thing people are now aware that people in Africa are poor. The starving Africans are certainly happy about people being aware, almost as happy as they’d be if those concerts had raised actual money.

JK: Well we should have some sort of formal response, don’t you think?

MJ: Sure. We can just tell the occupiers that we hear them and that we’re working on it.

JK: And then we can start dialog with them?

MJ: What? No! You’re missing the point. We don’t have to do anything.

DL: Can we at least do some sort of anti-occupy propaganda campaign, like for fun?

MJ: Oh totally. We can print up some fliers; turn the students against the hippies. It’ll be great.

JK: Motley, what’s your take on all this?

Keith Motley, chancellor: Personally, I’m partial to forceful eviction, mainly because tearing down tents is super fun, but I see your point. Let’s tweak them for real though, let’s raise tuition again. We can blame it on “inflation” or whatever.

JK: At some point, doesn’t this become unethical? Aren’t we supposed to be protecting our students?

KM: We’re a major public research university and our tuition is a quarter of any other school’s in this city, I think they’ll be ok.

MJ: How much were you thinking?

KM: I feel like a new BWM, so how about $1,000 a head?

MJ: Seconded.

JK: All in favor?

[Everyone]: Aye!

JK: Opposed?

Winston E. Langley, provost: I feel like I should say something here. You know, it’s easy for us to forget what it’s like to be a struggling student, betting thousands of dollars on yourself and the idea that a college degree will be worth it. Many of our students come here specifically because we offer them a great education at a far more reasonable price than other schools. They take offense when they see us spend millions on new buildings which many of our current students will never get to take classes in, but we still charge them $6 for parking. They see higher tuition rates paying for larger classes, not more professors. So can we really be that surprised when a group decides that they’re fed up and that things should change? The occupy kids may not have a clue in the world about how to protest or affect change, but at least they’re trying, right?

[Pause]

WL: Just kidding! Screw those barefoot, indoor-tent-sleeping, everyone-is-equal-and-socialism-works-in-theory-so-it-must-work-in-practice-thinking, hacky-sacking, drum-circling, pot-smoking, fart-recycling morons. Let’s raise tuition $1,500, I want to put in a pool!

JK: Ok then it’s settled: $1,500 more to come here next year. DeWayne, you want to release a statement saying that due to the economy blah blah blah we need more cash?

DL: I’m on it.

JK: And print up some more of those “Truth About Occupy” fliers, those were great.

DL: Done and done.

JK: Ok, I think that about wraps it up! Great meeting everyone!

[They all light cigars.]

 

Note: This article is satirical