Gemini: Your astrological bodies are aligned this week, but so are your midterm. Things could be a mixed bag.
Taurus: One day this week you will find yourself missing a sock, exactly the sock you wanted. If you quest for it, you will be late for class. Remember, though socks may not always match, professors notice tardiness.
Aries: This coming weekend you will find yourself faced with a decision at a restaurant. Don’t listen to your diet, listen to your gut, you deserve wholesomeness sometimes.
Pisces: Thursday a stranger will ask to borrow your phone while waiting for the Crystal Line. Don’t hesitate, give it to her, she really needs to call someone.
Aquarius: At the same time you are reading this, your professor is grading your paper, criticizing your work, anguishing over your syntactical loop-de-loops. Before you complain about class again consider this: you are reading your horoscope, your professor is reading essays and has been all weekend.
Capricorn: On Tuesday you will pick up The Mass Media, read your sign and think: this is total crap. But next week, everything that will happen will happen and I shall be right.
Sagittarius: On Friday, embrace your inner centaur. But please, do it in the privacy of your own apartment, we don’t need to see that.
Scorpio: Actually, nothing significant will happen to you this week. I’m sorry I am unable give you something to cling to, but my infinite knowledge of the universe and all its workings does not enable me to invent fate, merely to identify. Yes, I am cool. Have a swell week!
Libra: Your sign has cursed you to forever anticipate your birthday while loathing the beginning of school.
Virgo: A week before your zodiac sign begins, something unexpected will happen to you while you are shopping. Keep in mind, that is this week.
Leo: On Wednesday, you will notice someone left a personal belonging somewhere where it might be stolen and used for evil or to pay for burritos. Return it to Campus Security, help restore faith in humanity.
Cancer: Your Thursday is going to be really quite terrible… too much work, maybe a break up, some sort of family emergency. Regardless, your Friday will be better, your Saturday better still, Sunday even better…