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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Promiscuous Student Provides Comfort, Satisfaction to Shy Students

Biochemistry major David Kan thought he’d never lose his virginity. A short, paunchy 20-year-old with a speech impediment, Kan was nearing the end of his sophomore year, but he was still light years away from even kissing a girl.

“I couldn’t even approach the ugly ones,” he admitted.

Already resigned to a life devoid of sexual intimacy, Kan thought he’d make do with pornography and online chat rooms. He put the rest of his energy into his studies and when speaking to women, he always kept his eyes down.

Everything changed one Tuesday afternoon, when a kind stranger sat next to him on the shuttle bus. That stranger was Stephanie Kelsy, and a few hours after meeting her, Kan became a man.

“She grabbed me right there and then on the bus,” Kan said. “I mean it literally; she grabbed my junk.”

Kelsy, a homely 32-year-old single mother from Medford, likes to think of herself as a Good Samaritan.

“When I was growing up, no one was picky,” she said. “But today we live in a selfish society. Girls don’t know how to share anymore. It’s all about relationships for them. They hold out for ‘love.’ They expect respect.”

She says that the ones who suffer from this new attitude are men in their late teens and early twenties.

“I see some young men everyday and I know they’re not getting any,” Kelsy said. “Who is thinking of them? Who is going to take care of them? These guys have no chance unless women start opening their eyes and lowering their standards.”

Kelsy has taken it upon herself to provide men the services they need and want but can’t get anywhere else, and she does it free of charge.

“Sometimes they do offer me something. For most of them it’s the first time, and they’re just so relieved and grateful, they want to take me out to dinner or write me a check, but I’m not in it for monetary reasons,” she explained.

After their encounter, Kan introduced Kelsy to two of his friends, who have since lost their virginity as well.

“She’s amazing,” Kan said. “She let me do more than I thought I would ever get to.”

Kelsy estimates she’s had sex with 20 students since the beginning of the semester. She observed that helping others makes her feel better about herself.

“I have an 11-year-old son at home, and when I’m in bed with these guys, who are only a few years older than my son, I think about him and I can only hope that he would have this kind of free access to sexual intercourse when he grows up.”

UMass Boston is supportive of Kelsy’s efforts.

“We encourage our students to get to know and gain experience through each other,” said a representative from the Office of Community Relations. “It’s great to hear about a student who not only cares about her community, but actually goes out there and makes a difference.”

Speculation that the high rate of virginity among undergraduates is to blame for the university’s dismal retention rates has motivated the administration to promote a more promiscuous lifestyle.

“The bottom line is that virginity has a cure,” said the representative. “No one should be a virgin past his or her teens, and at UMass Boston, we are dedicated to making this goal a reality.”