Gemini: A person from your past will try to get back on your good side Wednesday night by serenading outside your window. Don’t be fooled by the gesture, he or she is still a giant, gaping asshole.

Taurus: Your love life, financial situation, career prospects and diet will all go down the drain this week. On the bright side, a horrendous  lie you’ve been struggling to hide will not come out for at least another month.

Aries: A unique opportunity will present itself soon and you‘ll be forced to make a decision. Regardless of the option you choose, stay away from toucans.

Pisces: Your poker face will be tested Monday when you’ll find yourself lying to someone you love in order to cover for somebody else’s mistake. Wear green on Wednesday and Thursday.

Aquarius: You might find yourself losing your temper on Wednesday when you’ll realize you’ve misplaced a $5 bill. Would it make you feel better if you knew it wasn’t misplaced, but stolen?

Capricorn: Don’t be afraid to make mistakes on Friday and Saturday, but make sure to cover your tracks. Try to rediscover the child within on Sunday.

Sagittarius: A dream you’ll have on Tuesday will come true. An agile, cat-like person is checking you out from afar.

Scorpio: Be ready to cheer up someone close to you on Monday, especially if you are the cause of his or her misfortune. Don’t forget to buy some milk on your way home on Thursday.

Libra: Your monkey-related fantasies will come true this week.

Virgo: A fashion crime you will commit on Tuesday will crush any chances you could have had with the person you’ve been dying to impress. It’s time for more honest self-reflection on your part. You need to lower your standards.

Leo: The passion burning inside of you will really show on Friday. A powerful person is starting to realize the threat you pose, and is conniving against you.  

Cancer: Suppress your creativity this week. Your artsy-fartsy crap and sensitive soul do not impress anyone.