Gemini: Next time someone asks you for money on the street, ask them how they will invest it twice. If it’s a good idea, slap him and steal his idea.

Taurus: If you’re down on your luck, try getting tested for terminal disease that you’re pretty sure you don’t have. Good luck is even better when a guy with a Ph.D. confirms it.

Aries: The more you recite Nicki Minaj, the dumber you sound. Step your knowledge game, money. Listen to The Ol’ Dirty Bastard.

Pisces: The liquor store is not your friend. You don’t literally have to drink like a fish.

Aquarius: Start working on your retirement plan by asking the man behind the counter for a number two scratch ticket. Sure, it’s $20 now, but it could be millions of dollars in your future. 

Capricorn: Tomorrow a cat will cross your path. Be sure and pet her, for she is the Egyptian cat goddess Bastet and she could cause your demise.

Sagittarius: The Mayans are sure that the world is going to end around your birthday. But you’ve already survived the doomsday theorists Prince and Busta Rhymes. You’ll figure something out. 

Scorpio: It would behoove you to kick your skanky tendencies into high gear. With the thermostat falling, cuffing season is right around the corner. Everyone needs a winter boo.

Libra: Every Wednesday from now on, for the rest of your life, it would be in your best interest not to eat a burrito. It is as the ancients say: a burrito on Wednesday spells death on Thursday.

Virgo: Trojan Bearskin costs way less than a box of diapers and are more convenient than SDI treatments. You’re welcome.

Leo: You ain’t ’bout shit, and you’re hard to get along with. Change that.

Cancer: The Moon and Venus are at odds. But don’t worry, you’re the only girl for Tuxedo Mask.