Gemini (May 21-June 21): Avoid taking out loans from loan sharks this week – especially if you have no intention of repaying them.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Don’t bother saving up for that Law & Order box set; they’re all on Netflix now.

Aries (March 21-April 19): You will find love in unexpected places, like the bathroom at Bowl-O-Rama.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): From this day forward, every day you should be shufflin’.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): If you’re looking to make some quick cash, remember that, while still illegal, making moonshine is both fun and profitable.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): You will be on the shuttle pulling into JFK at the same time the train is leaving JFK, every time. Sorry.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Dance like no one is watching, but close the blinds just in case they are.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): The milk in your refrigerator is going to expire… right… about… NOW!

Libra (September 23-October 22): Try to dial down your raw sexuality. It’s becoming distracting to all the girls in your class.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): If you find yourself short on time, try laminating your textbooks so you can read them in the shower.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Avoid the bathrooms at Bowl-O-Rama.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): See if you can forge a new birth certificate so you can have a less depressing zodiac sign.