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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

A Guide to Global Warming Winters

The coming hellfire will be so swift that many people will still be wearing winter hats/clothing, which will quickly melt to their skin.




As global warming continues to raise temperatures worldwide, our winters are going to get warmer and warmer. We’re almost through January, and so far, a total of only 7 snowflakes have fallen in metro Boston, and two of them were exactly the same (so really, only 6 good ones). In a few years, the temperature won’t even drop below freezing in February anymore, and a few years after that, Canada will start to thaw out. By the year 2050, people will wear jorts year-round (they’ll make a comeback when long pants become useless and people cut off the legs of their jeans) and by 2100, you will be able to make minute rice in Dorchester Bay in only 30 seconds. To help you prepare for the new, warmer winters, here are some tips from The Mass Media’s official “Guide to Global Warming Winters”.

• Remove all the radiators from your house, and sell them for scrap. Use the money from their sale to buy air conditioners.

• Since you won’t need blankets for warmth ever again, now would be a good time to build that permanent blanket fort in the guest room you’ve been dreaming about since you were nine years old.

• Begin prepping your jeans for the upcoming jorts craze by cutting them off at the knees (it’s happening, trust us). You’ll be economical, fashion-forward, and most importantly, super comfortable.

• You can really open up your kitchen by removing the oven. For baking, just line a cardboard box with some tin foil, stick it outside, and you’re good to go.

• Practice your apology to the end of the world fanatics. We now know they were right all along, and you’re going to want to be on their good side when the oceans start boiling.

• Buy ice. All the ice.

• You can use your now-useless skis to build a homemade NordicTrack.

• Quit playing hockey. There won’t be any ice left by 2060 anyway, and come on, roller hockey is ridiculous.

• Start hanging out with turtles and alligators. They’ve been around for millions of years -they’ve probably got some good survival lessons to pass along.

• For fun, put some snowballs in your freezer this winter, so that your future children can someday have a snowball fight.

• To go along with your jorts, invest in some Crocs. Your feet will stay cooler, and unlike regular rubber soled shoes, Crocs won’t melt and glue you to the pavement.

• Build an ark for when the glaciers melt. It should have enough space for three of each animal, in case one of them dies.

• Drink lots of water!