Now that many of the good drinking days of the season are past us (in reverse order: The State of the Union address, Martin Luther King Day, New Years, Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa, Thanksgiving), it gets tougher to justify the occasional overindulgence. This is exacerbated by the fact that we don’t have any on-campus housing, specifically frats and sororities, to provide us with weekly bacchanalias. But fear not! We at The Mass Media have put together a comprehensive drinking game for your everyday life! All you have to do is print out this handy little list, and take a drink each time one of these things happens to you in the course of an average day. That’s it! No ping-pong balls, quarters, or funnels required! Just a good old-fashioned solo cup full of whatever potent potable tickles your fancy. Ready? Go (take a preliminary drink for finishing reading the introduction)!
-Take a drink if you get out of bed when your alarm goes off.
-Take a drink every time you hit the snooze button.
-Take a drink after you brush your teeth.
-Instead of mouthwash, take a drink and swish it around a little.
-If you don’t have time for breakfast, take a drink.
-If you were planning on driving to campus, better take a drink and call a cab – you’re definitely over the limit by now.
-If you take the Green Line as part of your commute, take a drink.
-If you take the Orange Line as part of your commute, take two drinks; you’re probably going to get in a fight, and you’re going to need some extra liquid courage.
-When you’re on the Red Line, don’t drink, just eat a handful of mints to cover up the stench of booze on your breath.
-If you get the bendy shuttle, take a drink.
-If you’re late to class, take two drinks. You’re already late, might as well be drunk.
-If there’s a test that you forgot about, take a drink.
-If you think you passed the test you forgot about, take a drink as a reward.
-If you think you failed the test you forgot about, take two drinks to drown your sorrows.
-If you’re eating lunch, take a drink.
-If you’re not eating lunch, take two drinks (you need your energy), and eat some more mints.
-If you’ve got another class today, take a drink and skip it.
-3 p.m. Take a drink.
-When security stops you for acting suspiciously, take a drink while they’re calling for backup.
-Take a drink for running away from security.
-Take a drink for hiding from security behind that new yellow metal thing with the propeller that everyone is confused by.
-Take a drink for sneaking onto the UMass boat and blowing the boat horn.
-Take two drinks for revealing your position to security, then run.
-Take a drink for puking from all that running.
-Take a drink for acting cool when you see the super hot chick from your English class. She totally has no idea you were drunk! And getting her attention by saying “Hey Baby!” like Beavis and Butthead was brilliant!
-5 p.m. Take a drink, or take two if you’ve spent your dinner money on booze.
-Take a drink when your friends start acting concerned about your drinking. I mean, it’s none of their goddamn business, right?
-Take a drink for the women’s basketball team and their winning attitude!
-Take a drink if the women’s basketball team actually won the game.
-Take a drink for agreeing to be in this stupid documentary about addiction. It’s annoying to have to keep interrupting your drinking with all these interviews.
-Take a drink for going to your final interview!
-Take a drink when your final interview turns out to be an intervention.
-Take two drinks if that guy who looks like a budget Dr. Phil is there.
-Take a drink if everyone starts crying like babies.
-Finish your drink and agree to go to rehab; you probably need it.