Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your strategy of skipping all your classes, but attending the midterm and final is destined to fail.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You will find love in new mustaches.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Despite your previous success cloning your hamsters, don’t try cloning your dog.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): That guy you thought was stalking you was actually stalking your much hotter friend.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): The soda you invented that has all the taste of diet with all the calories of regular isn’t going to make you rich.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): If a hobo tries to sell you the contents of his bindle, be wary.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): If Apple offers you a job, make sure it’s not at that factory where everyone is killing themselves.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Don’t huff Elmer’s glue… it totally won’t get you high.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Your strategy of skipping all your classes, but attending the midterm and final is destined to succeed.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): That was decidedly NOT what your parents meant when they said you should assume a missionary position.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Don’t tug on Superman’s cape or spit into the wind, but feel free to mess around with Jim, he’s a total wimp.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Remember the ancient proverb: “A shoe with no laces is a loafer, but a shoe with no sole is half a shoe”.