March 189:59 AM-A larceny was reported on fourth floor of Campus Center. Out-of-work Bear Stearns securities brokers were seen prowling campus carrying giant sacks with dollar signs painted on the sides and were called in for questioning, although they were released due to a lack of cosmic justice.

March 209:39 AM-Campus Police responded to a harassment complaint in the upper lobby of the Healey Building. Roving bands of thugs reported interrogating passersby as to their preferred Henry James novel, “The Turn of the Screw” or “Daisy Miller”. Those preferring the former to the latter complained of receiving multiple head butts. “You can’t handle my realism,” the thugs are reported to have said.

March 24 5:17 PM-A Medical assist was requested on the second floor of the Campus Center. A student, intoxicated by the deliciousness of the Pete’s Arena cheese slices, staggered from the cafeteria babbling delirious nonsense, claiming ownership of the nation of Morocco, secret ties to the Vatican, and director’s credits for 1984 Kevin Bacon vehicle “Footloose”. A thin coating of pasta sauce coating his chin, the student then fell down the stairs to ground level. Landing on a stack of Summer ’08 class brochures, the victim received extensive paper cut damage to his face, arms, chest and eyes. Covered in blood, tears, and tomato, the victim then fell back up the stairs where he was discovered twitching, gurgling, and mumbling the promotional jingle for late ’80s vintage board game “Pizza Party”. Medical personnel, upon appearing on the scene, fashioned a crude splint from cafeteria chopsticks and Snickers wrappers, coating the cuts in lime Jell-O to stanch blood flow. The individual is expected to make a complete and delicious recovery.