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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

Police Log

Police Log
Police Log

February 199:39 AM-An individual was issued a citation for operating under the influence after he was stopped when campus police detected an odor of marijuana in his car. In a statement made later to the press, the individual explained that he was on his way to the store to get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter, some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars to make s’mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap’n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. Two big pizzas, man, everything on ’em, with water, a whole lotta water, and Funyons.

February 201:05 PM-An individual reported that an individual had unsuccessfully attempted to break into her car parked in the Campus Center parking lot. The thief was reportedly thwarted by Bumblebee, a member of the intergalactic robot organization known as the Transformers, who was disguised nearby as a yellow Camero. Bumblebee could not be reached for comment as he is currently returning to his home planet of Cybertron to assist Optimus Prime and the other Transformers in battling their arch nemesis the Deceptacons headed by their evil leader Megatron.

1:07 PM-Campus police were called to Wheatley Hall to deal with a disturbance caused by kids playing loud music. The individual who filed the complaint, Reverend Shaw Moore, has gone on the record as attempting to outlaw the rock and roll music and dancing that the kids love so much. Luckily a rebellious youth from the city named Ren McCormack transferred in to Harbor Point and challenged the Reverend’s oppressive policy, eventually coming out victorious and getting the girl following a dramatic dance showdown.

February 253:27 PM-Campus police responded to a disturbance reported in the Advising Center in the Campus Center caused by a disgruntled student. The student had apparently been advised that it was Linka from Captain Planet who had the power of fire, when in fact it was brash red-headed American Wheeler who had that power. The student was upset because after espousing this view at a party, he had been roundly ridiculed and cast out from his circle of friends.