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UMass Boston's independent, student-run newspaper

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Police Log

Police Log
Police Log

February 26

5:11PM-A student reported having their wallet stolen in the Campus Center computer lab. The prime suspect in the case is computer billionaire and recently deposed wealthiest man in the world Bill Gates, who Campus Police believe has resorted to pick-pocketing unsuspecting UMass Boston students in order to regain his spot on the top of the list. Campus Police have been busy responding to reports of the super-nerd turned super-villain skulking and creeping around all over campus and an advisory has been put into effect.

February 28

10:20AM-A medical assist was reported in the Campus Center when an individual reported feeling “dizzy, Oh so dizzy, I feel fizzy and funny and fine, and so pretty, Miss America can just resign!”. A group of women in the crowd were overheard to remark “See the pretty girl in that mirror there: Who can that attractive girl be? Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile…” The individual’s identity has yet to be determined.

March 4

7:14PM-Campus police responded to a report of a fire in the men’s bathroom on the first floor of McCormack, reportedly started by a cigarette butt. In addition to not using bathroom trashcans, which are primarily filled with paper, as ashtrays, students are reminded to not smelt iron in their microwaves or to clean their silverware in the garbage disposal.

March 6

4:19PM-A disturbance was reported in the Campus Center in the form of a party playing loud music and swearing. The RZA, the GZA, Method Man, Inspectah Deck, Ghostface Killah and other members of the The Wu Tang Clan were subsequently asked to leave the building, although Raekwon the Chef is expected to resume his duties in the Campus Center food court after spring break.

March 7

11:04AM-Campus police responded to a disturbance when it was reported that a group of students playing Frisbee in the plaza were hitting the catwalk. The concern was that if the frisbee hit the Campus Center it could cause serious structural damage, as in a cost cutting move, the building was constructed primarily out of popsicle sticks and insulated with croutons.