March 25

10:15AM-A medical assist was reported in the Campus Center when an individual reported feeling lightheaded. Tragically, before medical personnel could arrive on the scene the individuals abnormally light head was caught up in a draft of wind and she began to float away before being snatched in the talons of the giant pigeon that lives in the top floor of the library. It is believed that her body will be fed to the genetically engineered clone-students who are being bred by the University to take over the campus upon completion of the Master Plan.

6:43PM-A larceny was reported in the McCormack building. According to published reports, an individual in the theatre department “stole the show” with his portrayal of former New York City mayor Fiorello LaGuardia in the schools production of the Pulitzer prize and Tony winning musical “Fiorello”. Further investigation revealed that witnesses thought the performance of the actor playing Republican machine boss Ben Marino seemed “mailed in” and that the scenery was amateurish, but overall enjoyed the production.

March 31

2:40PM- A disturbance was reported in the Campus Center. Umass Boston police were sent to investigate calls of someone yelling in the Campus Center. Upon arrival it was discovered that the Atrium had become the site of a military court martial hearing. Rookie lawyer Lt. Daniel Kaffee was leading the defense of two Marines who had been accused of murdering a member of their unit. Col. Nathan Jessup could be heard bellowing, “You want the truth. You can’t handle the truth.”