Memo to Scarlett Johansson Lost in Translation. Scarlet Johansson: you are a multi-millionaire, well-endowed, porcelain-skinned diva; why settle for Alanis Morrisette’s leftovers? (Though it does beat Dave Coulier, I guess). Anywho, Scarlet Johansson and Dane Cook-wannabe Ryan Reynolds are officially engaged, her rep confirms. The two have been dating for months, Johansson being 8 years the junior to Reynolds. In couple-naming tradition, I propose (pun intended) they be called ScaRy.

Wild ‘N Out of his mind. In other weird betrothal news, family of Nick Cannon and Mariah Crazy, er, I mean, Carey, have officially announced that, yes, the pair is married. The pair allegedly had a quickie wedding in the Bahamas and didn’t sign a prenup because “there was no time.” Carey, twelve years the senior of the Drumline dud, had been previously spotted wearing an engagement ring but remained mum on her status until Cannon’s family broke the news. Hopefully Cannon ain’t no Heartbreaker.

Ugly Betty gets hideous. Perpetual rehabber Lindsey Lohan has signed on to appear in the season finale of Ugly Betty and may appear in five episodes in the future. According to reports, Lindsay, in a flashback sequence, plays a mean girl (uh, a stretch) in high school that likes to party and have a good time. Talk about life imitating art. Or she could pull a Britney and claim her partying, DUI’s, arrests, rehab stints and other whacked-out behavior were all in the name of getting into character.

She can wait to See Them Again. Or at least for now. Under severe press scrutiny, Miley Cyrus reportedly pulled out of a Disney party appearance last week. She didn’t want to cause a media frenzy by showing up and stealing the spotlight on such an important event. Her dad, Billy Ray, told his daughter that she would benefit from staying home and letting the media attention surrounding her racy pictures die down. Jamie Lynne Spears could learn a thing or two from Billy Ray: when careers and reputations are at stake, it’s best to pull out.