February 1312:15 PM – A larceny was reported in the library. In an ironic twist, the thief stole a copy of the Dostoevsky classic “Crime and Punishment”. If caught, the thief will be sentenced to reading the 700-page novel, in its entirety, in the original Russian.

February 1411:13 AM – A medical assist was requested in the Campus Center when a student fainted. The student, reportedly reading last week’s edition of the Mass Media, became overwhelmed by the high production values and spectacular writing and lost consciousness. This is the twenty-seventh Mass Media-related fainting incident reported this semester.

February 159:35 AM – Campus police responded to a report of a student causing a disturbance in the Ross Center for Disability Services. The student, a caveman named Og, was reportedly upset because his status as a caveman was not fully recognized by the Center. Og’s claim, that his inability to read, write or speak qualified as a disability has been taken under advisement. When reached for comment via mobile cave paintings, Og explained the situation stating simply “Og want learn.”

February 165:46 PM – A medical assist was requested in the Clark Center after an individual attending a hockey game was hit in the face by a puck. A full recovery is expected, although the doctors believe that the individual’s teeth may be permanently pucked up. When reached for a statement, the injured fan complained that “this is a pucking travesty, the last thing I expected when I go to a pucking hockey game is to get hit in the pucking face.”

February 176:48 PM – A medical assist was requested in the Clark Center responding to an injury sustained by a participant in a gymnastics competition. The fragile athlete was injured when a sneeze by her coach knocked her off the balance beam in the middle of her routine and flung her across the gym. A full recovery is expected.