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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

Everything is Wrong With You

At a time when people look for help in any way they can (internet, Dr. Phil, Christianity), self-help books are popping up left and right to cash in on the “I-need-help-but-I’m-too-stubborn-for-a-therapist” crowd.

Well, how about an anti-self-help book?

“Everything is Wrong With You,” by Wendy Molyneux, is described as “the modern woman’s guide to finding self-confidence through self-loathing,” and begins with an introduction about how Molyneux thought she had noting wrong with her and, after reading a woman’s magazine, realized that she was “in fact, not as awesome as [she] imagined.”

Molyneux’s book covers topics related to relationships, personal style and even professional life, with chapter titles such as “You’re Lonely,” “You’re Bad in Bed,” “You Look Terrible” and “You’re Bad at Your Job.”

There are quizzes throughout the book to help pin-point your largest problems, like your obsessive love of “Meatballs” (the Bill Murray movie), your obsessive love of meatballs (the food) and what best color of dress best suits your activities, be them that you enjoy outdoor activities or think that “Parents Just Don’t Understand” is a really great rap song.

Two of my favorite parts of the book deal with fashion advice. The first one that caught my eye was how to dress for the office. The chart starts Monday with a regular skirt-suit and heels, Tuesday is causal dress and flats, Wednesday is a dressy pair of jeans and a cute top, Thursday shows a half-top and short shorts, ending with Friday where you’re left with nothing more than an edible thong and a puka shell necklace.

The second one is actually the first thing that made me stop randomly flipping to pages and actually read what it had to say. It’s a chart of colors to help figure out what color your wedding dress should be, based on sexual experiences.

Of course, if you’re a virgin, you’re wearing white, but did you know that if you’ve had 20 or more human partners, and five or more animal partners, you’re supposed to wear coral? Or, if you’re frigid (or a medieval knight), you should be dressed in chain mail? If you’re a former prostitute, you should wear red, and if you’re a current prostitute, you should just wear jean shorts.

There are also “letters of inspiration” throughout, from such “experts” about life such as Dr. Phil, Britney Spears, Tyra Banks, George W. Bush and Martha Stewart. I think that the only way these letters could be more hilarious is if they were actually written by these celebrities.

All in all, “Everything is Wrong With You” is a fun, quick read that can really make you think about all of the weird quirks you have and realize that, in fact, everything is indeed wrong with you.

(Just to be sure, if the words “anti-self-help” didn’t tip anyone off, this book is full of pretend advice. Read with a good sense of humor. And maybe a martini.)