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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

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February 20, 2024
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February 12, 2024

Police Log

Police Log
Police Log

Monday, January 29 11:48 AM: Campus Police responded to a fire outside the Administrative Building. Upon arrival at the scene, Police found the fire to be in an ashtray. Police immediately extinguished the flames. The only casualties from the incident were the hundreds of half-smoked cigarettes that were incidentally burnt down to the filters. 2:26 PM: Police responded to a medical assist inside the Administrative Building. An ambulance was requested for the party, who claimed to feel ill. As the ambulance was en route, the sick party declined care, claiming to have felt better. In related news, health care costs are reportedly skyrocketing due to false calls for ambulance assistance.   Tuesday, January 30 9:27 AM: Campus Police geared up the finest members of its Vice Squad in order to investigate a purported larceny of a purse inside the Campus Center. Just as the finest detectives were prepping to investigate the claims, the victimized woman called and informed the Police that she had merely left her purse inside a desk and forgot all about it.   9:44 AM: Larceny, Wheatley Hall. Gee, I hope this doesn’t show up again. 9:55 AM: A rogue faction of mischievous delinquent vandals has struck again. The group was reported to Campus Police for having desecrated an innocent desk in Healey Library with their nefarious graffiti scribbling. HAVE YOU NO SHAME, PEOPLE!? 10:16 AM: An anonymous tipster reported a bus and automobile accident on the University Dr. West. When Police showed up to question the witness, the person had already left the scene. Maybe this case will come up again in the future? 10:22 AM: Police responded to an accident involving a bus and automobile on Bianculli Blvd. The persons involved in the accident had already exchanged their information, and Campus Police was deeply grateful to have solved an earlier report from six minutes prior. 10:54 AM: Police received a call reporting an accident on University Drive West. The witness reported the accident as being between a bus and car…wait, wait, wait. That was so 38 minutes ago. Get with the times! 5:17 PM: Kids were being loud in McCormack Hall. Police responded to a complaint about the kids, and told them to simmer down and be on their way. The rabble-rousers pleaded mercy from the Police, urging the defense of “kids will be kids.”   Wednesday, January 31 12:07 PM: Police assisted an ambulance going to the JFK Library. For further information, see JFK Library’s Police Log. 2:24 PM: A larceny was reported in Wheatley Hall. I sincerely hope the person gets their stuff back (insert sarcasm here). Thursday, February 1 10:02 AM: Campus Police responded to a two-car collision on University Dr. North. Upon arriving at the scene, Police found that the whole matter had been settled and that the drivers had exchanged papers and resolved the issue. 9:00 PM: Police responded to a complaint of a woman singing in the Campus Center. The suspected crooner had left the scene by the time Police showed up, and was probably on her way to watch reruns of American Idol. Friday, February 2 8:43 AM: Larceny in Wheatley Hall…way to go. 1:05 PM: Larceny in the Administration Building. Saturday, February 3 5:51 PM: Police responded to a drunkenness claim after a homeless man attempted to walk in front of a bus. The man was taking into custody and brought to a shelter. 8:51 PM: Campus Police assisted another agency on Mt. Vernon St. Who that agency was, we don’t know. Where they assisted that agency, we’re not sure. You come up with any of these answers and you can be the grand winner of our Mass Media win a clue prize. 9:46 PM: Police responded to a two-car accident on Bianculli Dr. involving a car that slid into one of the Campus Police Cruisers. Police attended to the report as soon as possible, but were delayed by the fact that their cruiser was hit by another car. 4:38 PM: Police responded to a report of a suspicious person in the McCormack Building. The report was filed by somebody who grew suspicious of somebody who appeared to be trying to break into an office on the second floor. This just goes to show, here at UMass Boston when you go for extra help you will have the cops called on you. Sunday, February 4 4:09 PM: Several parsimonious UMass Boston students were reportedly shaking the vending machines in the Administration Building. The students were obviously very perturbed at having lost money to the vending machine, which makes me think that they should only make cash transactions with human beings from now on.  Police Log is not written by University Police, but is a product of the Mass Media.