You have probably noticed that the hallways and common areas of UMass Boston can get quite crowded, leaving little privacy for intimate endeavors while on campus. However you may be unaware that this bayside landfill we call a university campus also contains a large number of nooks and crannies that are tucked away from highly populated areas, such as the Campus Center, providing ample privacy to practice pleasurable pelvic palates. Again I must thank my numerous research assistants for their exhaustive work in scouting these locations. So without further ado, here are the best places on campus to misplace your dignity.

1 Healy Library 7th, 9th Floor: Finding a dark spot between the main stacks is easy, the lights operate on motion sensors and if you’re low enough you can keep the lights out if you so choose. The floors are carpeted and if you bring a pillow it can actually be quite comfortable. Sexers beware, you will be in a quiet zone.

2 Campus Center secret elevator: Always been a big fan of the Aerosmith hit “Love in an Elevator”? Well now you can live that dream you’ve been nursing since 1989. On the north side of the Campus Center lays a secret box of magic and wonder that is almost never used for typical elevator related activities. This little box of ascending eroticism is the perfect ideal place for lovin’ it up while you’re goin’ down.

3 Darkroom 8th Floor, Healy Library: Got an ugly partner eager to be popular? Take him or her to the dark room on the 8th floor of the Healy Library. This room offers plenty of privacy from prying eyes and you wont have to worry about your friends seeing you while you take Shrek for a ride. Just be cautious, there are chemicals everywhere.

4 Wheatley exterior stairwell: Ever notice those creepy deserted stairwells outside Wheatley Hall? You know those giant pylons with doors that no one ever goes near. Well if you go inside you will discover that it’s dark and dank and smells kind of funny and… well, it isn’t really very clean either. But if you’re looking for a place for your special friend to take roll on your love log, Wheatley stairwell is a spectacular choice.

5 Plaza Behind the Science Building: The plaza behind the Science Building is an amazing spot to practice the Kama Sutra while on break between classes. For some unknown reason (perhaps placed by the gods to encourage deviant behavior), there are rubber mats lining the ground at the far end. These provide comfort and support unrivaled by any other outdoor spot on campus. So next time skip lunch at Pete’s Arena Pizza, and instead do what I do, find the dirtiest, easiest girl you can and invite her for a trip on the flesh canoe down the vestibular valley.