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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

UM’be’ Mine

NOTE: Advice is something we all seek at some point in our lives, an answer to the problems or questions that plague us every day. That advice comes in two distinct forms, good advice and bad advice. Here in this weekly column you will find many different types of advice, from the great to the horrible. As you read through these words please only follow the good advice. When a bitter, jaded, morally corrupt womanizer gives you advice, we hope that you would be intelligent enough steer you clear of following it, unless you want to end up sad, alone, and hated. Some advice should never be followed. Some of this advice is meant to be followed and some is meant only for entertainment purposes. I think it should be obvious which is which. Should, for some unfathomable reason, you not be aware of which is which, please contact us before making any first date decisions.

Good idea

The first date determines whether you have a second date or not. That’s why where you go and what you do matters. Whether it is picking something unique to do or just a traditional dinner and movie, the right choice will likely lead somewhere…even if that somewhere is just a second date.

A lot depends on how much or how little you know about your date before deciding how to plan. If you’ve literally just met a person, you don’t want to buy tickets for a whale watch only to find out that he/she has a messy history with the open sea. A few quick questions over the phone can save the day and avoid such disaster. But if you happen to know, for instance, that your date enjoys rock climbing, booking a spot at the nearest indoor facility can be a great way to connect from the start and allows them to teach you a thing or two. When your date feels confident in their surroundings, they’ll feel more at ease, thus making the bond between you happen more naturally.

But the bottom line in that there’s nothing wrong with planning a date together-starting the relationship off with a fun compromise can only be a sign of good things to come. Agree over the phone that each of you will come back to the conversation with a few ideas. When he/she suggests something like going on a horse trail ride and you are gripped with fear, avoid shooting the idea down completely. Just be cute and admit it-they’ll be impressed with your respectful honesty and even touched by your vulnerability. When you instead suggest the wine tasting at that great restaurant and your date reveals they like Shiraz but have never been to a tasting, you know you’ve got a deal. And as long as neither is opposed to drinking, a little loosening up wine never hurt a first date.

We often forget that having fun on the first date is actually the point. Just be open to communicating, compromising and trying new things. That way whether you go to the new art gallery, see that play, or go kayaking, your first date will be a success.

Bad Idea

The first date is often a source of great stress and anxiety for singles, yet this need not be the case. The most important thing to do on a first date is be yourself. That is the kind of crap you’ll hear from women. I, on the other hand, suggest that you strongly consider assuming a new, exciting, dangerous and preferably rich identity. No one ever got laid by yapping about how they live in their parents’ garage, work part-time at Foot Locker and may or may not have Crohn’s disease.

One of the first major hurdles to overcome in the dating process is deciding what to do on your first date. This is often where the anxiety kicks in for men as women typically look to the man for a first date activity. Let me put the men at ease: no matter where you choose to take little Janey, it is going to be wrong. You may think that asking for her opinion is a good idea, however, such stupidity can be fatal. She’ll try to drag you to some fancy foo-foo joint where the food is worth more than your life insurance. No, keep the ball in your court.

The first thing you’ll want to consider is whether or not you want a second date. Is she a beast? If yes then the back row of a movie theater is the perfect spot. Not only will this prevent Quasimodo from frightening the villagers but it will also provide you an opportunity for some darkroom lovin’.

What if she’s not the second coming of Janet Reno? Take her to the beach. Not only is the beach free, but also you get to see her half-naked. Don’t underestimate this. Some women look okay with their clothes on, but when it comes time for her to drop her linen, you may discover a few unpleasant surprises. As an added bonus, most women like to shower after a dip in the ocean. This at the very least provides the opportunity to “accidentally” sneak a peek at the twins. Just make sure to disable the bathroom lock before bringing her back to your place to wash off.