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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Kevin Kirkness is a Son of a Bitch

So I know this man, who is a son of a bitch. Let’s call him K. Kirkness. No, no, that’s too obvious. Let’s call him Kevin K. Yeah, yeah that works just fine. Anywho, I know this man, who is a son of a bitch, who gets whatever he wants. I mean, whatever he wants. He doesn’t ask and then receive. It just happens. It’s like a super power. One could describe it as a sort of bending of reality to benefit himself much like Longshot, however the only person who would reference this would be a super nerd so nevermind. The fact of the matter is he gets what he wants.

For a normal person, a trip to the local sub shop involves a long line of indecisive patrons, a lengthy ordering process where you have to make sure that they understand that you don’t want lettuce, followed by a long wait for your food to be made in hopes they don’t confuse your order with one for delivery. This may seem like the worse of situations, but everyone has a night like this. However, Kevin K. has never had a problem like this. When his name his is first requested by the cashier so they can call out the order, all his work is done. They take his credit card (which seems to be limitless and does not require any actually payment) and he is done, until the 2 minute wait for his food is over and his delicious meal is suddenly at his table. He needs not tell them tat he wants a large toasted Italian sub with hots and pickles with a side of steak fries to make his order complete. They just KNOW. One could very well argue it is because he frequents so often (see limitless credit card), but the logical and correct choice is that he gets what he wants, because he is a son of a bitch.

In the summer, a normal person does many things to try and provide protection from the intense heat that may or may not be making them sweat bullets. Does Kevin have to put forth any effort to make himself comfortable? Of course not. He’ll walk to the movies, during a 30 minute long nice breeze. Entering the theatre, he’ll hope it rains during the film, but end before he gets out, so everything will be nice and cool. Guess what? It will. It HAS. Not only did precisely what he want to happen with the weather during a very specific time period actually take place at his will, it was while watching The Dark Knight. How unfair for us normal folk. He gets what he wants: nice weather and an amazing movie. (Note: The Dark Knight was horrible until Kevin was excited to see it. Yet another thing we should all thank him for.)

Any situation he feels like being in, he’ll find himself in soon enough. Want your band to get recorded and play shows? Oh hey, here’s a friend who can help you do both. Want to settle down with someone for a bit, instead of macking it with tens of thousands (exaggeration) of beautiful women? Hey look, a girl who wants just that. Want a meal with both steak and chicken? Guess what’s on the menu tonight! Man it is cold, if a only a bus would show up. You betcha, right in front of him.

Everyone has times when they get what they want without asking- The perfect movie comes on TV. You get the weekend off from work. Your boss brings you out drinking. Days like this feel awesome, and you feel very lucky. Of course, there are the days that just do not work in your favor- The Transporter 2 is the only thing on TV. You work doubles all weekend. You end up bringing your boss drinking and racking up a $100 dollar tab without realizing it. These are days Kevin cannot fathom.

The point of all this is simple: getting what you want without asking is wicked awesome. It’s that simple. We can all agree. Just don’t get used to it, because soon enough you’ll be caught in the rain on your way to see “Who’s Your Caddy?”

Actually, the only point this article is written is because Kevin wanted it to be. That son of a bitch.