This is the last installment of the Video Game Connoisseur. I know, I know, I said the same thing this time last semester, but even if I should return to UMass next semester I will not be with the Mass Media. But don’t worry, I’ll never forget about you or my time at the Mass Media. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve avoided prosecution, but I’ve been through everything that’s happened here since the fall of ’04 (god that was a long time ago…Anyone else remember Vice Chancellor of Student life Keith Motley? I wonder what ever happened to that guy, he was really cool) and the paper is doing better then ever, my only regrets are never breaking that story about the men’s rooms in the science building or library (they’re the kind of places Larry Craig takes a wide stance on) or doing that report on feral cats in the substructure (you laugh, but they’re there, and they’re multiplying…).
Anywho, you’re not reading this to hear me reminisce about my time at the Mass Media, you’re reading this for my reminiscence on videogames. Well for once there’s no reminiscing on videogames, not even a little bit. In my last installment as a member of the Mass Media staff I’m going to take this time to put some final thoughts on the subject of videogames into print while I still have the chance, here we go:
-Nintendo of America needs to reach out to an older audience. I’ve said this many times but I’m still saying it again, Nintendo of America tries to hard to be family friendly, Nintendo of Japan has released some freaky shit. I’m talking about a DS game where you touch schoolgirls to find out if they’re witches. I’m not demanding that Nintendo localize that and every other game made over there for America, but let’s try to reach a happy medium, release more games rated M, and for the love of god release Mother 3 in America, that game is a license to print money, and I’m not talking Jacksons; I mean Benjamins.
-Sony needs to drop the price of the PS3. I’ll only say it one more time: SONY NEEDS TO DROP THE PRICE OF THE PS3.
-Mario. Mario Sunshine was an unpolished turd. However, they earned the right to make a mistake with Mario Bros. 3, Super Mario World, Super Mario 64, MarioKart (all of them) and they more than made up for it with Super Mario Galaxy. If you haven’t played Mario Galaxy yet you support the terrorists. And drive a gas guzzling Hummer. Jackass.
-The end of Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess has one of the saddest endings ever: discuss.
-The only way Rock Band could get better is if the players were awarded points for style. Also more David Bowie
-I hate to say this but I feel that there’s been a decline in the quality of Final Fantasy games ever since Final Fantasy IX. It seems to me that every time they make a radical change to the combat system the writing takes a hit. The good news is Square Enix seems to be finally done making Final Fantasy VII games and movies, maybe we can get something Final Fantasy VIII related now?
-I joined World of Warcraft Anonymous and started the 12 Step program, I’ve admitted that I am powerless in the face of World of Warcraft, and that a power greater than me can help me escape from its grasp, so I’ve turned my will and life over to the Lich King in an effort to…O GOD! It’s Not working! I need to log onto my pally and check the auction house then re-roll my shaman, No John! Stay strong!
-Okay so I can’t stop thinking about World of Warcraft, and as far as I know World of Warcraft Anonymous does not exist, yet, but I have been clean for about six months now and the urges to play are less frequent. Now if only one of my friends would stop trying to get me to pick it back up again…
-The Sims are the future of 3D gaming. When the time comes that the technology to be put into a tank of amniotic fluid and have your optic nerve overridden is in every room we will be playing The Sims. It will be the perfect simulation of real life and will be called the matrix. Seriously keep an eye on that series, it has no plot, no real goal, and is overly appealing to people with god complexes. It scares me sometimes how much time I’ve spent playing it.
-Spore is the greatest disappointment in my gaming column career. EA was so afraid of the game being pirated that they screwed over everyone who bought it and made it the most pirated game. Ever.
-Spore also had the greatest potential ever. It had tons of hype but unfortunately could have used another six months of development and three or four expansions. In fact, a lot of games recently could have benefited from six more months of development. Remember, it’s better to wait and have filet mignon then to be impatient and have shit. I’ve learned not to complain when a game is delayed, it just means it will be all that better when it comes out.
-Duke Nukem Forever is not a game; it’s an elaborate practical joke.
-Politicians need to stop legislating videogames and work on fixing the real problems with this country. Little Timmy didn’t shoot up his school because he played Grand Theft Auto, he did it because his parents didn’t pay more attention to what he was doing. Don’t blame games, blame the parents, it’s their fault.
I could probably go on for a few more pages but these are the important things I wanted to say. Now I probably said a lot of these things already in the past but I felt they bore repeating. Now in the future I will still submit the VGC to the Mass Media once in a while (it’s up to them if they want to print it or not) and I’m looking for an online home for the VGC (I’ll try to get the Mass Media to announce the address when it’s official so stay tuned). I just want to thank all my fans over the years and if you ever want to get in contact with me to ask any questions or just shoot the breeze drop me a line a [email protected]. And until next time- wipe your palms and controller once in a while, when your hands get sweaty the controller gets slippery and it makes it that much harder to nail that jump you’ve been missing for the past half hour.